Author Topic: Quick jokes (Read 15553 times)

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **on:** October 31, 2007, 10:26:25 PM »

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

A. Kick her in the ass and tell her to get back to work.

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Q. What do you do when your wife comes into the living room and interrupts your football game?

A. Go in the kitchen and shorten her chain.

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Q. What do you do if your wife complains her watch is broken?

A. tell her theres a clock on the stove.

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pw_Tony · « **Reply #1 on:** October 31, 2007, 11:26:41 PM »

I am deeply offended by your jokes... but have learned some things about women

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She‘s already been told twice.

How are women and a condom alike?
They both spend more time on your wallet than on your dick.

How do you make a woman scream during sex?
Call her and tell her!

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn‘t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Ralph Brunt · « **Reply #2 on:** November 01, 2007, 07:53:19 AM »

all to funny

Jetaholic · « **Reply #3 on:** November 02, 2007, 08:54:52 AM »

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None...she should have it open when she brings it to you

What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A quick learner

What does a woman do when she returns home from the Margorie Mason center?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her

What's the difference between a woman and a battery?

A battery has a positive side

beerjet · « **Reply #4 on:** November 02, 2007, 03:42:57 PM »

-beerjet-

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #5 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:05:37 PM »

Q. How do you know when your wife is a lousy cook?
A. She uses the smoke detector as a timer.
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The three fastest means of communication:

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman
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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock.
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Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #6 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:06:51 PM »

"Don't Ask"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for
his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #7 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:08:37 PM »

" Flies"

Joe said, "You Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 fuckin flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 fuckin females."

"How could you tell the fuckers apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the fuckin phone."

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #8 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:09:29 PM »

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #9 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:10:54 PM »

Honey

A husband and wife are out shopping, when the wife decides to duck into Just Jeans and try on a pair of jeans, as she is trying on a pair of jeans, she looks in the mirror and doesnt like what she see's, when she calls her husband in, she say's honey, does my bum look big in these dear.
husband replies, dont blame the jeans for your fuckin fat arse.

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #10 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:11:56 PM »

Mrs. Jones

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and they tell her husband's been in an terrible accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God" says Mrs. Jones, "what will be his prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to
turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincter. His bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just ******* with you, he's dead."

Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED · « **Reply #11 on:** November 03, 2007, 12:15:17 PM »

Q. Why do brides wear white?

A. All household appliances come in white.
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A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

beerjet · « **Reply #12 on:** November 03, 2007, 04:37:18 PM »

A vampire goes into a bar and askes for a cup of hot water .

The bartender says "I thought you only drank blood ?"

Just then he pulls out a used tampon and says ," I'm makin tea."

-beerjet-

pw_Tony · « **Reply #13 on:** November 03, 2007, 05:02:46 PM »

Quote from: beerjet on November 03, 2007, 04:37:18 PM

A vampire goes into a bar and askes for a cup of hot water .

The bartender says "I thought you only drank blood ?"

Just then he pulls out a used tampon and says ," I'm makin tea."

-beerjet-

Geese I just got that one in a text message a day or two ago

beerjet · « **Reply #14 on:** November 03, 2007, 05:42:43 PM »

I apologize.....

-beerjet-

h2oicon · « **Reply #15 on:** November 03, 2007, 08:37:28 PM »

three guys sitting at a table one is a cowboy the other is a indian and the final one is a ******.........out of the blue the indian says "WE WERE MANY----NOW WE ARE FEW" the cowboy looks at him shaking his head is disbelief------now the ****** says "YEAH WE ARE MANY AND STILL MANY"-------- cowboy shaking his head at him says you know why-------the ****** says no why?

??
cowboy responds CAUSE HE HAVEN'T STARTED PLAY COWBOYS AND NIGGERS YET

sorry for any bad feelings it is a joke

beerjet · « **Reply #16 on:** November 06, 2007, 09:30:34 PM »

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled,
"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied,
"It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

-beerjet-

Toes on the Nose · « **Reply #17 on:** November 07, 2007, 08:37:16 AM »

LMAO!!!!

FORKEDUP · « **Reply #18 on:** November 07, 2007, 08:47:55 AM »

thats just wrong......... but funnier than shit

beerjet · « **Reply #19 on:** November 09, 2007, 05:16:53 PM »

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response...so she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

-beerjet-

Blue · « **Reply #20 on:** November 09, 2007, 06:16:47 PM »

My grandpa asked me one day...

"Hey grandson do you know how to tell when a woman has an orgasm??"

I said "nope"

He says "who the **** cares"

beerjet · « **Reply #21 on:** January 25, 2008, 04:17:12 PM »

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you, too.'

beerjet · « **Reply #22 on:** January 25, 2008, 04:18:33 PM »

Yes , yes we are .....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

beerjet · « **Reply #23 on:** January 25, 2008, 04:19:44 PM »

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug?
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?".
The man said "No", So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No!!"
The woman smiled and said ...

"You will be when the tide comes in."

beerjet · « **Reply #24 on:** January 25, 2008, 04:23:02 PM »

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Author Topic: Quick jokes (Read 15553 times)

Blue