Author Topic: Quick jokes (Read 15553 times)

GlassCutter · « **Reply #201 on:** October 23, 2011, 07:16:34 PM »

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

farmergord · « **Reply #202 on:** December 20, 2011, 09:50:20 AM »

Dead Horse Theory
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

76NORDIC · « **Reply #203 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:27:55 AM »

Good one Gord

farmergord · « **Reply #204 on:** February 08, 2012, 02:16:29 PM »

Subject: An Aussie walks into a bar

A drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my 'wiggly' inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my 'wiggly' unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his 'wiggly' and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle
and smacked the crocodile really, really hard
on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man
removed his 'credentials' unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up ...
"I'll try it —
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

1972Challenger · « **Reply #205 on:** February 08, 2012, 03:08:40 PM »

Knock.. Knock...

(whos there?)

Obama...

(Obama who?)

OOO.... Ba....Ma.. Self.... Dont wanna be.... OOO.. Ba... Ma... Self....

76NORDIC · « **Reply #206 on:** February 08, 2012, 05:05:38 PM »

Nuther good one Gord

76NORDIC · « **Reply #207 on:** February 08, 2012, 05:46:07 PM »

Some people have no clue about the simplest things. There was the young coed, for example, who spotted a shiny silver thermos at the store. She was fascinated. She took it to a clerk and asked what it was. The clerk said, It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
WOW the coed said. She bought the thermos and took it to school the next day. One of her teachers happened to notice it.
Nice thermos the teacher said.
The coed said, yes it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!
The teacher said I know, so what do you have in there now?
The coed answered, Two popsicles and some coffee!!!!1

BIG JOHNSON · « **Reply #208 on:** February 08, 2012, 10:06:49 PM »

A black is led by an Asian through an enchanted forest. They come to an enchanted pond. The Asian says, this pond will tell something about your ancestry each time a skipping stone skips on the water.

The black demands the Asian to prove this.

Asian picks a rock, hucks it and it said,
"Ching, Chwang, Chong!"

The black dude was amazed.

Black guy picks a rock, hucks it and it said,
"Go-Ril-A!"

Angrily, the black man picks another and hucks it...

"Chim-Pan-Zee!"

He was furious! He got so mad, he picked up a boulder, raised it over his head and slammed it into the pond, and it said,

"BA-BOON!!"

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farmergord · « **Reply #209 on:** February 08, 2012, 10:20:42 PM »

good one Mark

Howard19 · « **Reply #210 on:** February 28, 2012, 09:57:37 AM »

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never
played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for
my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic Tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

BIG JOHNSON · « **Reply #211 on:** February 28, 2012, 11:27:51 AM »

Ha ha ha

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BIG JOHNSON · « **Reply #212 on:** March 18, 2012, 07:25:05 PM »

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'.

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farmergord · « **Reply #213 on:** March 30, 2012, 10:52:19 AM »

*John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

GlassCutter · « **Reply #214 on:** April 22, 2012, 08:52:48 AM »

One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a three people here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the door of
the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

76NORDIC · « **Reply #215 on:** April 26, 2012, 10:33:34 AM »

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
On student said to his friend, I"m sure that poor old man has Peltry syndrome. Those people walk just like that.
The other student says, No I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki syndrome He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, Were medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is??
The old man said, I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.
The first student said I think it's Peltry syndrome
The old man said, you thought-but you are wrong.
The other student said, I think you have Zovitzki syndrome.
The old man said you thought-but you are wrong.
So they asked him, well old timer, what do you have?

The old man said, I thought it was GAS- but I was wrong too!

farmergord · « **Reply #216 on:** April 26, 2012, 10:33:46 PM »

good one Mark

GT Jets · « **Reply #217 on:** April 26, 2012, 10:43:23 PM »

Three old men sitting around a poker table at a convalescent home...

First man starts the conversation with "man, what I would give to take a nice long uninterrupted piss"...The second man says "I hear ya, but would love even more to take a nice firm crap without feeling like I'm going to crap out a kidney"...

The third man pipes in "shoot, you guys have it easy, at 6:00AM every day, I piss like a racehorse, then at about 7:00AM I take a dump bigger than a Grizzly bears".

The other two look at each other with confusion, "what's wrong with that?!" they exclaim...

The third man says "I don't wake up til' after 9:00AM!!!!"

GT Jets · « **Reply #218 on:** April 26, 2012, 10:55:49 PM »

Three business men were golfing together. There was a German communications executive, a Japanese electronics CEO and an American entrepreneur working for Sharper Image.

As the German goes to tee off of the first hole, a high pitched beep is heard from his hat. "A sousand pardons gents" he says as he tugs on the bill of his golf cap and he talks to someone on the other end in German. After the call the other two golfers are looking at him with curiosity. "Oh, new technology, a cel phone hat"...The other two impressed carry on with the game...At the 6th tee, the Japanese man is about to tee out comes a whistling sound. The Japanese man tugs on his ear and starts speaking to someone on the other end in Japanese. "Oh, very sorry for the interruption, one of our new inventions, the two way hearing aid", the other two are in awe... After several more holes of golf at the 18th hole, the American goes to tee off and out of nowhere they hear a gigantic fart. Blushing, the Sharper Image executive says, "hey sorry guys, I have a FAX coming in".....

GT

GT Jets · « **Reply #219 on:** April 26, 2012, 10:56:24 PM »

Sorry for the potty humor theme...

farmergord · « **Reply #220 on:** April 27, 2012, 06:18:21 AM »

no apology needed Glenn you can never go wrong with potty humor

Howard19 · « **Reply #221 on:** May 16, 2012, 05:57:57 AM »

The Last Penny------------Should have known

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the little boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then extremely firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No, IRS."