Quick jokes

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beerjet

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« Reply #25 on: September 20, 2008, 12:21:03 AM »
Sorry about the re-runs .


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-beerjet-
i dont but im all for stuffin shit in her ass to make her go away :-*


Null


nathan72

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« Reply #26 on: September 20, 2008, 08:19:30 PM »
a new vibrator just out for women its so realistic that just before she reaches her orgasm, it cums,coughs,farts,goes limp then turns off   
THE SLOUGH CREW

nathan72

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« Reply #27 on: September 20, 2008, 08:35:42 PM »
a man gets home and shouts "honey pack your bags i hit the lottely" she said, what should i pack?he said, everything and get the fuk out!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: September 20, 2008, 08:38:00 PM by nathan72 »
THE SLOUGH CREW

nathan72

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« Reply #28 on: September 20, 2008, 08:43:58 PM »
i bought a race horse and named him "MY FACE" he's not very good but imagine all the people in the stands sceaming "COME ON MY FACE"
THE SLOUGH CREW

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« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2008, 10:57:06 PM »
A guy and his pet monkey head into the local watering hole, the bartender starts yelling to get that monkey out of his bar... the patron calmly tells the barkeep that there won't be any problems and agrees to let him stay, the next thing you know the monkey is jumping up on the bar, eating all of the peanuts and just being a pain in the ass, the bartender threatens to call the police and the patron asks him not to do that they will just leave, as they are leaving the monkey grabs the que ball from the pool table and swallows it, the bartender at this point is livid, the patron hands him $100 and offers his apologies.

A month or two goes by and the patron and his monkey go to the same bar, the bartender cannot contain himself and tells them to get out, or else, the patron hands the barkeep another $100 bill and says "give him 5 minutes, if he is a problem we will leave" the bartender agrees with some aprehension, meanwhile the monkey hops up on a barstool and stares at the peanuts, the patron says "its OK" and the monkey grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass and pulls it out and eats it, the bartender is absolutely grossed out and asks what the hell is wrong with him, the patron laughs and says "he's been doing that ever since he passed that que ball"....
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« Reply #30 on: October 07, 2008, 11:42:45 PM »
So Obama is up in Heaven trying to get into the pearly gates. And St. Peter asks him "What good have you done in this world that you should be allowed in?" And Obama says "The people of the United States of America voted me to be their president 15 minutes ago."

shawnthedrifter

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« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2008, 11:43:54 PM »
Whats white and 12 inches long?


















NOTHIN!!!! O0

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« Reply #32 on: October 08, 2008, 11:30:38 AM »
Subject: 11 Minutes




A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window .'Uh, yes, officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
'And her,what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothingobscene is happening!

The cop asks:'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says :'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.'
BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY
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« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2008, 08:19:28 PM »



Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!   
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me the President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it m akes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, ' Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit
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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

beerjet

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« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2009, 06:33:16 PM »
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"



"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
He asked.


"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
Here in the first place."
i dont but im all for stuffin shit in her ass to make her go away :-*

82daytona

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« Reply #35 on: April 08, 2009, 06:36:23 PM »
 ;D ;D

Hava Al

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« Reply #36 on: April 08, 2009, 07:08:59 PM »
I tried to play UNO with some Mexicans today...........but the mother flokers kept stealing the green cards so I Quit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, a dick in the butt will fix that and you are coming down this weekend right   
-beerjet-

Hava Al

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« Reply #37 on: April 08, 2009, 07:10:27 PM »
I-90 Will be closed this weekend across South Dakota. They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore.............
You know, a dick in the butt will fix that and you are coming down this weekend right   
-beerjet-

povertyjet

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« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2009, 07:48:42 PM »
...know what a fat girl and a pile of bricks have in common?



















Eventually both will get laid by a Mexican
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[smg id=6256]
I'll keep my freedom, my money and my guns...you keep the "change"
U.S. out of the United Nations, support HR2202, reinstate prop 187, waterboard all of them!!!

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« Reply #39 on: April 10, 2009, 12:03:41 AM »




Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:





You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family.. What
do you do?

....................................... .................. .........

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:





Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some of my friends for a few days and try to come to a
consensus.

....................................... ...................... ....................................... ............. .............



Republican's
Answer:


BANG!


....................................... ................... ....................................... .............. .........


Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?! '

Son: "Can I shoot the next  one?!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that DAMN THING to the Taxidermist"!

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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

IRRebel

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« Reply #40 on: April 10, 2009, 12:51:15 AM »
Ultimate Blonde Joke. (have no idea where I heard this, coulda been here)

Blonde is speeding and gets stopped by a cop.

Cop walks up to the car, and the cop is another Blonde. Asks her for her license.

Blonde asks "what does it look like" The officer says, 'It's the size of a credit card and has your picture on it"

Blonde is digging in her purse and digging, pulls out her compact, opens it, sees her reflection in the mirror and hands it to the officer and says "here it is, I found it"

Cop takes it, looks at it, and says "sorry to waste your time, I didn't know you were a Cop".

Ray
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

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« Reply #41 on: April 10, 2009, 10:26:39 AM »
I love this one:


A blonde and her husband are sitting watching the evening news when the anchor states "Two Brazilian men killed today in sky diving accident"

The Blonde gets extremly upset and begins to cry. The husband looks at her and says "honey, are you okay?" She says "It is so sad, so many people die that way" Husband "Well honey, they know the risk when they sky dive" She starts to calm down.

A few minutes later, she begins to cry again. Husband asks "Honey, what is it?" Blonde: "It is just so sad, how many is a Brazilian anyway?"
JMFG 8)
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alamojimmy

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« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2009, 10:30:59 AM »
A blonde reads in a chick magazine that milk baths help your skin so she decides she is going to start taking them.

She leaves a note for her Milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Milkman sees the note, knowing she is blonde, knocks on the door and asks her if she meant 2.5 Gallons. She says no I need 25.

He asks "Do you want it pastuerized?" She says "No, just up to my tits is fine, I can splash it on my face"
JMFG 8)
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spectra 81

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« Reply #43 on: April 12, 2009, 10:39:53 PM »
Do ya know why the bride smiles as she walks down the aisle? Because she know's she's given her last blowjob, at least to him.

Son takes his father to the doctor. After the exam the doctor says,"got some bad news, you have cancer and about six months to live" On the way home from the doctor the old man says " i've lived 75 great years,let's go to the local pub and celebrate my good long life.After awhile the old mans friends start filteren in to the bar and the old man say's "guys gather around,i went to the doctor today and the DR said I have AIDS and about six months to live.On the way home the son ask's" dad why did you tell everyone you had AIDS when you have cancer,the old man say''s "SON BECAUSE WHEN I DIE I DONT WANT ANYBODY FUCKIN YOUR MOTHER!

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« Reply #44 on: April 12, 2009, 10:49:05 PM »
IRANIAN WOMEN AND A AMERICAN WOMEN ARE IN THE SUPERMARKET IN THE PRODUCE SECTION ,"THE IRANIAN WOMEN PICKS UP TWO POTATO'S AND SAYS"THESE REMIND ME OF MY HUSBANDS TESTICLES, THE AMERICAN WOMEN SAYS ,"THAT BIG ,'IRANIAN WOMEN SAYS , "NO THAT DIRTY

spectra 81

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« Reply #45 on: April 25, 2009, 01:39:18 AM »
A BLOND girl in Las Vegas walks up to a coke machine ,puts in a dollar and gets a coke,she than reaches into her wallet pulls out another dollar puts it in the machine and gets out a coke,she does this several more times and finally the guy in line behind her says" HEY LADY YOU MIND IF I HAVE ATURN" the blond  girl says" SHUT-UP CANT YOU SEE I'M WINNING"

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« Reply #46 on: April 25, 2009, 01:49:02 AM »
A guy walks into a bar and proclaims" ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES" the guy sittin at the table stands up and says" I RESENT THAT" the guy that came in says" WHY, ARE YOU A LAWYER " the guy at the table says" NO I'M AN ASSHOLE

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« Reply #47 on: May 06, 2009, 07:17:47 PM »


The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City
 , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
 description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
 and the value of the products increase as the shopper
 ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
 particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
 but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
 the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
 the sign reads:

 Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 So she continue s upward. The third floor sign reads:

 Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
 Good Looking.

 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
 Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
 stand it!'

 Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
 Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
 where the sign reads:

 Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
 are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
 that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
 at the Husband Store.

 PLEASE NOTE:

 To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
 a New Wives store just across the street.

 The first floor has wives that love sex.

 The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
 like beer.

 The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.


GT
  • Boat #1: 1992 Carrera 20.5 Elite (I/O bitches)
  • Boat #2: 19' Bubble deck Jet BBC Berkeley
If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

skee

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« Reply #48 on: May 06, 2009, 09:18:41 PM »

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City
 , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
 description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
 and the value of the products increase as the shopper
 ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
 particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
 but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
 the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
 the sign reads:

 Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 So she continue s upward. The third floor sign reads:

 Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
 Good Looking.

 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
 Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
 stand it!'

 Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
 Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
 where the sign reads:

 Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
 are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
 that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
 at the Husband Store.

 PLEASE NOTE:

 To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
 a New Wives store just across the street.

 The first floor has wives that love sex.

 The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
 like beer.

 The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.


GT
 ;D :D ;) :) :o 8)
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As Joe Walsh say's....I'm just your Ordinary Average Guy.....With a Jet Boat!

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« Reply #49 on: May 06, 2009, 10:53:10 PM »
I saw a T-shirt at the Good Guys swap meet and show last month, it read...


"I wish I came in flavors"..... :D >:D






I thought I was going to piss myself. ;D

My dad read it at least five times, he thought I was messing with him  ;D

GT
  • Boat #1: 1992 Carrera 20.5 Elite (I/O bitches)
  • Boat #2: 19' Bubble deck Jet BBC Berkeley
If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

 


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