I just couldn't let this one go without sharing!

 
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of (taste) of First graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange
 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
   
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
 

'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!!!


  GT

So there was this LA lawyer who went up to Montana to go duck hunting. Well, he shot at a duck and hit it, but it fell onto private property, just across the fence. Just as he was jumping over the fence, an old farmer drove up in his old truck and said, "What are you doing on my property?" The lawyer replied that he was going to retrieve the duck that he had just shot. The farmer said,"Oh no you don't, it's my duck now--it's on my property." The lawyer said,"Look, I'm the most prominant trial attorney in LA, and if we take this to court, you're going to lose your farm." The farmer replied, "No you don't understand--here in Montana, we don't go to court, we use the "three kick rule" to settle these types of disputes."

The lawyer says, "What is the "three kick rule"?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I would kick you three times, then you would kick me three times, and so on until one of us gives up and the other guy wins."

The lawyer looked at the old farmer, and figuring he was younger, bigger, and stronger, agreed to settle the dispute under the Montana rule. Before he finished agreeing, the farmer gave him a crushing kick to the nuts. The lawyer crumpled to the ground only to have his nose nearly wiped off his face with a second kick, and before he could clear his head, the farmer broke several ribs with a final monster blow to the kidneys.

The lawyer, bloodied and battered, slowly managed to get up, driven only by the desire to strike back at the farmer, who he warned by threatening, "Now it's my turn, you old coot, prepare to meet your maker", to which the farmer replied, "Naw, I give up--you can have the duck."

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 
_______________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

> Subject: Balance
>
>
>
> God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
> > > archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
> > >
> > > He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
> > >
> > > God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through
> > > the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
> > >
> > > Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is
> > > it?'
> > >
> > > 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.
> > > I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to
> > > test Balance.'
> > >
> > > 'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'
> > > God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For
> > > example, northern Europe will be a place of great
> > > opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to
> > > be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
> > > people, and over there is a continent of black people.
> > > Balance in all things.'
> > >
> > > God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one
> > > will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold
> > > and covered in ice.'
> > >
> > > The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
> > > land area and said, 'What's that one?'
> > >
> > > 'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on
> > > earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
> > > lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from
> > > Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
> > > intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
> > > world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
> > > achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'
> > >
> > > Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
> > > 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be
> > > balance.'
> > >
> > > God smiled, 'There's another Washington. Wait till you
> > > see the idiots I put there.

Another redneck joke..........

Might be a repost, if so "excuse the FU** out of me!!!!"



A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available..

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.  Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500...00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.."  The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."  The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."  Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.


GT

Old thread, needs  a bump anyway! 

This is too funny  - enjoy!


 

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together      over fifty years ago

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

  So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

 The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

 This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

 and moaning and screaming.

 Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

 the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence there !!!!!'

Ray

 

hey GT....This place sucks tonite, geez.

How ya been?

I'm good...Haha that was good

2 outdoor cameramen where filming grizzly bears on the Alaskan tundra when a large male bear that they where filming a 1/2 mile away raised it's head and sniffed the air, Then started running directly towards the 2 men, The one man instantly drops his camera gear and back pack and starts going threw his back pack, the other man is horrified, jumping up and down screaming to run and pointing at the charging bear, The other man pulls out his running shoes as he's kicking off his boots and starts to put them on, The horrified man screams at him telling him to hurry and run as the other man finished lacing up his shoes, As he stands up the horrified man yells again telling him he's an ass and he will never out run the bear, As the now shoed runner starts off in a jog he say's "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you"

Sooooo..

Sorry in advanced...


Little Johnny was woke up in the middle of the night by some moaning and groaning noises coming from his parents bedroom..

He went to the door, which was partially open, saw his new step dad on top of his mom just pouring the coals to her....The step dad pauses, looks at little Johnny and just smiles, then gets back to it...

About an hour later, the parents were woke up by some moaning and groaning coming from the step dads disabled moms room, the parents go to the door, which was partially open, there was little johnny pouring the coals to his grandma, just screwing away...he pauses and looks at his step dad and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mom, huh?"...

GT

I'm with Omar! Bravo! The more you hang out here the more twisted you become! LOL! 

(Ummm.......Pot, this is the kettle................ )

Ray