SoCal Jet Boats
Discussion => The No Wake Zone => Topic started by: Brad @ SCJB on March 18, 2008, 11:14:42 AM
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This weekend, a group of SCJB Members witnessed and fell victim to a cougar attack in the Bakersfield region of Kern County. The following tells a story of the events as they unfolded in a horrifying unpredictable manner. All names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocent victims involved. No animals were harmed in the making of this story.
The weekend started off on a good note just as any weekend should - at the local dive bar with endless beers. Shots lined up while you figure out where to put down one of the beers you're double fisting. The bottomless beers were kept flowing to the thanks the founder of the legendary Strawberry Switchblades, Bunny Romano. In attendance was Max Danger, Clark, Mr Hadcock, Chuck and Bunny Romano. Upon arrival to this fine drinking establishment, there was a 1/2 ass'd start of a fight between two girls. It was almost comical until one bitch threw a chair and hit an unsuspecting bystander in the head and knocked over the full pitcher of beer which he was babysitting for his friend who was in the bathroom. Not cool.
Saturday morning did not start off that great. When we arrived to the location of the weekends event, it was cold, cloudy, windy and rainy, but the event continued under the circumstances. It started out with us shooting the shit with the legendary wise Old Man of the South and followed by us wandering around aimlessly looking at various boats while we try to keep warm and dry. Soon, Max Danger gets a call from Johnny Utah. Johnny Utah is there to swap some goods with Max Danger and is convinced to stick around even though it was pouring rain when he arrived, and we continued to wander aimlessly around and check out the boats. During this whole time there is a beer garden in the distance that we continue to just ignore when like a hot girl walks by a married man. Temping, but it will bring trouble. It's now high noon and the temptation to call it a day clouds over us, but many of us have quite a bit of money invested into the 50/50 raffle which is to be drawn at 3pm. What's a good way to kill 3 hours? Beer Garden - there it was, so inviting, but do we really want to pay the inflated prices? What the hell? What do we have to lose? Turns out that they had more then beer. Beers were $4 a piece and liquor was $5. At these reasonable prices, we were doomed, but too naive and bored to head the rest of the warning signs past this point, and as we drank more, the judgment amongst us all dwindled.
There was a middle aged couple that was already plastered drunk when we arrived at the garden of beer. The fine lady there was proud to give her self appointed title as 'GILF'. The only true part of that was she was a grandmother. She had dead grass all over her back and in her hair were she had been rolling around in the grass as her other half took pictures of her as her sloppy drunk self half ass'd posed in a manner what she deemed to be sexy. She was wearing a body suit straight out of her daughters bag of clothes that was destined for the salvation army and had not been worn since crimped hair was in style. She also had on a pair of jeans that was so tight, the string used to fasten the button on should be patented as something stronger then kryptonite. Johnny Utah fell victim of her motherly instinct to start calling him son and he proceeded to play along and call her mother. This just fueled the fire. There was one thing that stood out with the GILF that everyone saw, but no one pointed it out - the enormous camel toe that she was packing. Mr Hadcock was the first to snicker something quickly to Clark, and from there, it spread like wildfire throughout the garden. It was like a game of telephone because it changed names 3-4 times before Johnny Utah, who was preoccupied getting his cheeks pinched and called son, found out what we were talking about, and the name that was announced to him was something out of his vocabulary. "Moose Knuckle?! What the hell is a moose knuckle?!" Johnny Utah blurts out. For like a 1/2 second you could hear a pin drop. Everyone in the garden just stopped. Then instantly everyone ducked and ran off giggling like a group of 3rd graders cutting the cheese. Luckily, the GILF had no idea either what we were talking about. Not too long after that, her and her other 1/2 wised up and left. It was time to take this beer garden to the next level.
During the last fiasco, Mr Hadcock started making short talk with Lucille. Lucille was a girl who had been coming and going from the beer garden with her friend. At first, they were just there to soak up some of the heat from the heater that was present, but as the day continued and the shenanigans became drunken, her and her friend started to contribute to the effort to drink the place dry.
No sooner then the GILF walks out of the garden, in comes The Cougar. We all had no idea at this point what we were in for. As soon as she takes the first sip of her beer, she starts in with the trash talking that is going on amongst us. It all started out friendly and harmless until she announced to everyone she was sporting a G-String of her favorite racing team. Clark instantly shouts out, "Prove it!" No quicker then we can think "will she do it? nah, she wont"....The Cougar's pants were unbuttoned and there it was - a 50 year old lady standing before us proudly displaying her g-string. We were all disgustingly surprised that this unfolded before our eyes. At this point, Johnny Utah wises up and departs from the madness. Mr Hadcock started feeling a bit frisky and started flirting with the cougar and grabbed her hair jokingly as if it was this fit of passionate rage. It was probably his worst mistake ever. He had opened the flood gates, the dam had been broken. It was like poking a lion with a sharp stick. The rush of the most perverse comments, looks, and actions were now sought upon him. This cougar wasn't heading back to her den without some fresh meat and Mr Hadcock was on the top of her menu. Mr Hadcock knew he was in trouble and retreated to the heater area where Lucille was. This only upset the cougar more. She told Mr Hadcock to forget about Lucille and that he was better off with the cougar because the cougar had more experience.
The wise Old Man of the South swings by the beer garden to see what everyone is up to. He takes a quick look at the parties involved and the only words that came out of his mouth was "you boys are asking for trouble if you mess with those girls", then he rode off on his bike making it obvious to us that he wanted no part in what was going on.
Lucille mentions to Mr Hadcock that she has had too much to drink and needs someone to drive her and her friend back to the hotel. Mr Hadcock quickly jumps at the opportunity to depart from the scene without being noticed by the cougar and tells Max Danger to meet him at her hotel on his way back to Max Danger's house. Max Danger and the others were not far behind from Mr Hadcock's departure. Max Danger being the great friendly host he is invites the cougar to follow everyone back to Max Danger's house then out to dinner were we had already previously made reservations. Max Danger asks her if she needs a driver or a passenger. The cougar blurts out "where's Mr Hadcock?!". Max Danger informs her that Mr Hadcock had already left with Lucille, so she lunged at the closest person to her, Chuck, and says "come on blue eyes, you're coming with me". No different then a cougar on the prowl and pouncing on a rabbit in the brush, Chuck did not see it coming and was helpless to defend himself.
On the trip back to Max Danger's house, The cougar with Chuck in the passenger seat passes Max Danger and cuts him off and proceeds to do a U-turn. At this point, its official, Chuck has been kidnapped as the cougar retreated to her den. Everyone just assume Chuck we good to go and was going to handle the situation. But if anyone looked, I bet you would have seen him clawing at the back window of the car as she drove off. Max Danger didn't bother stopping at the hotel were Mr Hadcock took Lucille and her friend to. He just assumes that Mr Hadcock is playing his cards right and will be busy for some time. The only problem he overlooked is that Lucille's friend and kid were staying in the room with her. All bets were off. Mr Hadcock calls Max Danger and tells him to backtrack to the hotel and pick him up. Mr Hadcock and Max Danger invited Lucille, but she opted to go to a BBQ where she missed out on one of the best unscripted story that we couldn't even make up if we tried. I am doing my best to retell this story in the best detail to share with each and every one of you, but it will never be like being there as it happened. This was a priceless moment in all of our lives that none of us will ever forget.
Everyone regrouped at Max Danger's house where Bunny Romano and Max Danger's daughter Shitbrick would join us. During this time, Chuck starts calling Clark asking when we are going to pick him up. Clark doesn't know the area and hands the phone to Max Danger. Max Danger just says "the cougar knows where we are going, just meet us there" and hangs up on Chuck completely ignoring his plea for help. Chuck quickly calls back Clark and asks again for us to pick him up. He is trying to be as nice as possible without tipping off the cougar of his fear of her. Cougar's prey on fear. Max Danger agrees that we will meet at the cougar's den and they will follow us. In route to the Cougar's den, Max Danger, Bunny Romano, Clark, and Mr Hadcock are in Max Danger's car with Shitbrick following behind us. As we turn down the street where the cougar resides, Max Danger shouts out "OH....MY....GOD".....and proceeds with "...dude...no way...this better not be....no it cant be.....dude, this is my daughters best friends mom's house!!!!!" Clark gets out of Max Danger's car and runs over to Shitbrick's car to calm her down because Max Danger just informed her of what's going on and she's proceeding to call her friend and tell her of what's going on. Mr Hadcock jumps out of the car and runs across the lawn where Chuck was waiting for us. He relays the news. "Dude! This is Max Danger's daughters best friend's mom's house!" ...the look in Chuck's eyes was priceless as he responded with "WHAT!?!"...we quickly all jumped in the car and the laughter erupted of how off the wall bizarre the story has twisted itself into. The next quick reaction was "quick, lets get the hell out of here!". Just as Max Danger throws the car in reverse, the cougar emerges from her den and we all just froze. Chuck, in fear, got out of Max Danger's car and shamefully resubmitted himself into her custody in the passenger seat of her car as she followed us to the restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, Max Danger starts to explain that Shitbrick and the cougar don't get along because Shitbrick is helping her friend plan her wedding and the cougar doesn't agree with some of the things being done. That being said, Bunny Romano begins to become angry and warns Max Danger that if she acts up or says anything out of line in the direction of Shitbrick, all hell will break loose. When we all arrive at the restaurant, the cougar starts to piece together just what is going on and decides to drop off Chuck and scurried off on her own.
It is still unknown if Chuck was attacked. He wont admit it. Its possible he has blocked it out of his mind so well that he doesn't recall the horrifying agony he went through. Although, he did opt to not go out drinking that night and requested to be dropped off back at home so he could shower and go to sleep. He probably scrubbed his skin with an SOS pad a few times within his 10 showers before he cried himself to sleep. Can you blame him? The one thing we have all learned from this was to listen to The wise Old Man of the South. Boy was he right.
There are some other small short stories to be told about this weekend, but those will come at a later time.
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now i really wish i would have went...that is too funny...
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sounds like a killer weekend! ;D
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Sounds like The names were changed to protect the guilty. >:D Just wait til you get older Brad ;D
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Max Danger's daughter "shitbrick" that is too fuc*ing funny!
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Awesome story
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shenanigans....pure shenanigans.
best weekend i have had in a long time.
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C o u g a r :
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The largest North American cat, top of the food chain with Grizzly Bears, carnivorous solitary hunter, aka Mountain Lion, Puma.
Also describes women in their forties who smoke, drink and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties. Cougars are usually divorced, sometimes with cubs, and financially independent.
The most successful cougars are those that married well and got huge divorce settlements. Lesser Cougars were feminists who clawed their way to the top and made their own money. They have charge cards and big bank accounts, often living off second mortgages and money lending. They own cars but use them sparingly because of their concern for the environment.
Species characteristics include a penchant for home decorating, an interest in dogs (the only other species they can live with), an avid consumption of home products such as tinfoil and Cheez Whiz, and a limited interest in technology.
They have a high fat diet but are usually in shape because of sheer genetics and extensive shopping, dinner party planning and traveling. They often wear clothes that they're a bit too old for such as Spandex and high heels. They dye their hair and wear lots of makeup and jewelry.
Cougars-in-training (ie. women in their thirties) are called "pumas". Women in their twenties are "cougar cubs".
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cougardate.com%2Fcougar%2Fgif%2Fleaping.gif&hash=a5a0991d8de0b78baf3d5a57c498ae774c67ab77)
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There are some other small short stories to be told about this weekend, but those will come at a later time.
Ain't that the truth! >:D :o >:D
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Oh my God this is Pulitzer (sp) stuff Can I get this in "books on tape" ??
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Oh my God this is Pulitzer...
X2, Excellant reading!
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That was awesome..... Brad, would you mind if I submitted this to my parents friend who is a television producer? I'm sure they could work this into one of their shows next season.
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That was awesome..... Brad, would you mind if I submitted this to my parents friend who is a television producer? I'm sure they could work this into one of their shows next season.
no, SCJB is working on getting its own reality show....contracts are in the works.
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great story ;D
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Nephew produces Deal..or No Deal we'll hit up "Pablo" for you ;D
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I'm serious Brad......
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I just read it out load to my wife. I started laughing so hard that I could barely read it. The "moose Knuckle" really got me rolling. Great story telling.
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wheres lbsuperjet....he needs to read this.
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wheres lbsuperjet....he needs to read this.
OMFG...oh shit, good story brad!....now i really wish i stayed for the 'madness'. i read it.
Reid
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that just sounds like a well-orchestrated police report!...sounds perfect!
Reid
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an incriminating photo has surfaced....
dont believe what the tabloids tell you.
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well let us see this cougar on the prowl
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This has to be true because you can't make this stuff up!
If you got pictures about a subjet like this, you are required by Man-Law to post them up.
"Shitbrick" pure comedic genius right there. :D
By the way my name is Dave and I'm a lurker.
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welcome LurkerDave...
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too. funny.....and i stayed home and buffed out my boat all weekend ...what was i thinking...should have went
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(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.signs-up.com%2Fprod_images%2FCougar_xing_thumb_640.jpg&hash=d5cc4f975deaee6524704cfe31d82a68202b63ec)
:o :o :o
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Max Danger, Mr Hadcock, Clark, and Lucille will be all be at Parker this weekend to add another chapter to the book. Come be a part of it.
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Oh shit! Looks like someone has fallen victim to the cougar!
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi8.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa36%2Fluckiestiff%2Fcougarx.jpg&hash=17afe9f12e5694a7f08fd645ab5aff40f3f5dcf0)
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Oh shit! Looks like someone has fallen victim to the cougar!
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi8.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa36%2Fluckiestiff%2Fcougarx.jpg&hash=17afe9f12e5694a7f08fd645ab5aff40f3f5dcf0)
Nice! ;D
Karma sent >:D
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I guess there wa not another chapter to add to this after last weekend!?
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I guess there wa not another chapter to add to this after last weekend!?
no, it seems the Parker area was a bit light on cougars this trip, maybe they're hibernating or they've left for the high country to avoid the heat? coulda been such a weekend with a cougar :(
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Max Danger and Mr Hadcock are gunna be huntin some cougars again this weekend in the Kern County region. The cougar bait (Prospect) skipped out so it might be a weekend that will leave them empty handed.
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what? so now im cougar bait? niiice...
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Good times, good times.
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March bakersfield is just around the corner! ;D
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March bakersfield is just around the corner! ;D
Yep, and with the recent rains it's being reported that the cougar population has boomed, seems the wet weather makes them seek the sun when it's out...
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, seems the wet weather makes them seek the sun when it's out...
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.unity.i8i.co.uk%2Fforum%2Fimages%2Fsmiley_thinking.gif&hash=605044a7c5db90397f7fc766ae5299adca45978a)
Or the beer garden when it's not! ;D
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when i saw the thread i thought it would be about an old woman sexually attacking a SoCal member...those are call Cougar also righ? ???
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pics show the teeth ;D
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when i saw the thread i thought it would be about an old woman sexually attacking a SoCal member...those are call Cougar also righ? ???
You gotta read between the lines! ;D
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when i saw the thread i thought it would be about an old woman sexually attacking a SoCal member...
It is ;)
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im glad that this was TT cause it is always a good read, and the newbies got to read it
disclaimer.....
i was not involved with this....was one of them weekends i SKIPPED out on, and after this read i regretted it
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Now that Compjet is no longer racing in March I heard they went back in hiding ???
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cougars are always on the prowell
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The attack took place at a NJBA event!
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You boys know how to have a good time!!