Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on October 31, 2007, 10:26:25 PM
A. Kick her in the ass and tell her to get back to work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you do when your wife comes into the living room and interrupts your football game?
A. Go in the kitchen and shorten her chain.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you do if your wife complains her watch is broken?
A. tell her theres a clock on the stove.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post by: pw_Tony on October 31, 2007, 11:26:41 PM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She‘s already been told twice.
How are women and a condom alike?
They both spend more time on your wallet than on your dick.
How do you make a woman scream during sex?
Call her and tell her!
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn‘t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Post by: Ralph Brunt on November 01, 2007, 07:53:19 AM
Post by: Jetaholic on November 02, 2007, 08:54:52 AM
None...she should have it open when she brings it to you
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner
What does a woman do when she returns home from the Margorie Mason center?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her
What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A battery has a positive side
Post by: beerjet on November 02, 2007, 03:42:57 PM
-beerjet-
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:05:37 PM
A. She uses the smoke detector as a timer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three fastest means of communication:
Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:06:51 PM
"Don't Ask"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for
his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:08:37 PM
Joe said, "You Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 fuckin flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 fuckin females."
"How could you tell the fuckers apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the fuckin phone."
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:09:29 PM
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:10:54 PM
A husband and wife are out shopping, when the wife decides to duck into Just Jeans and try on a pair of jeans, as she is trying on a pair of jeans, she looks in the mirror and doesnt like what she see's, when she calls her husband in, she say's honey, does my bum look big in these dear.
husband replies, dont blame the jeans for your fuckin fat arse.
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:11:56 PM
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and they tell her husband's been in an terrible accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
"Oh my God" says Mrs. Jones, "what will be his prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to
turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincter. His bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, he's dead."
Post by: Ema Non-Performance Marine - BANNED on November 03, 2007, 12:15:17 PM
A. All household appliances come in white.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
Post by: beerjet on November 03, 2007, 04:37:18 PM
The bartender says "I thought you only drank blood ?"
Just then he pulls out a used tampon and says ," I'm makin tea."
-beerjet-
Post by: pw_Tony on November 03, 2007, 05:02:46 PM
A vampire goes into a bar and askes for a cup of hot water .
The bartender says "I thought you only drank blood ?"
Just then he pulls out a used tampon and says ," I'm makin tea."
-beerjet-
Geese I just got that one in a text message a day or two ago
Post by: beerjet on November 03, 2007, 05:42:43 PM
-beerjet-
Post by: h2oicon on November 03, 2007, 08:37:28 PM
cowboy responds CAUSE HE HAVEN'T STARTED PLAY COWBOYS AND NIGGERS YET
sorry for any bad feelings it is a joke ::)
Post by: beerjet on November 06, 2007, 09:30:34 PM
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled,
"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied,
"It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
-beerjet-
Post by: Toes on the Nose on November 07, 2007, 08:37:16 AM
Post by: FORKEDUP on November 07, 2007, 08:47:55 AM
Post by: beerjet on November 09, 2007, 05:16:53 PM
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...so she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
-beerjet-
Post by: Blue on November 09, 2007, 06:16:47 PM
"Hey grandson do you know how to tell when a woman has an orgasm??"
I said "nope"
He says "who the fuck cares"
Post by: beerjet on January 25, 2008, 04:17:12 PM
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you, too.'
Post by: beerjet on January 25, 2008, 04:18:33 PM
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Post by: beerjet on January 25, 2008, 04:19:44 PM
He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug?
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?".
The man said "No", So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No!!"
The woman smiled and said ...
"You will be when the tide comes in."
Post by: beerjet on January 25, 2008, 04:23:02 PM
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Post by: beerjet on September 20, 2008, 12:21:03 AM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-beerjet-
Post by: nathan72 on September 20, 2008, 08:19:30 PM
Post by: nathan72 on September 20, 2008, 08:35:42 PM
Post by: nathan72 on September 20, 2008, 08:43:58 PM
Post by: GT Jets on October 07, 2008, 10:57:06 PM
A month or two goes by and the patron and his monkey go to the same bar, the bartender cannot contain himself and tells them to get out, or else, the patron hands the barkeep another $100 bill and says "give him 5 minutes, if he is a problem we will leave" the bartender agrees with some aprehension, meanwhile the monkey hops up on a barstool and stares at the peanuts, the patron says "its OK" and the monkey grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass and pulls it out and eats it, the bartender is absolutely grossed out and asks what the hell is wrong with him, the patron laughs and says "he's been doing that ever since he passed that que ball"....
Post by: shawnthedrifter on October 07, 2008, 11:42:45 PM
Post by: shawnthedrifter on October 07, 2008, 11:43:54 PM
NOTHIN!!!! O0
Post by: FORKEDUP on October 08, 2008, 11:30:38 AM
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window .'Uh, yes, officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
'And her,what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothingobscene is happening!
The cop asks:'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says :'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.'
Post by: GT Jets on October 16, 2008, 08:19:28 PM
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me the President .
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it m akes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, ' Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit
Post by: beerjet on April 08, 2009, 06:33:16 PM
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
He asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
Here in the first place."
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
He asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
Here in the first place."
Post by: 82daytona on April 08, 2009, 06:36:23 PM
Post by: Hava Al on April 08, 2009, 07:08:59 PM
Post by: Hava Al on April 08, 2009, 07:10:27 PM
Post by: povertyjet on April 08, 2009, 07:48:42 PM
Eventually both will get laid by a Mexican
Post by: GT Jets on April 10, 2009, 12:03:41 AM
Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family.. What
do you do?
....................................... .................. .........
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some of my friends for a few days and try to come to a
consensus.
....................................... ...................... ....................................... ............. .............
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
....................................... ................... ....................................... .............. .........
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?! '
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that DAMN THING to the Taxidermist"!
Post by: IRRebel on April 10, 2009, 12:51:15 AM
Blonde is speeding and gets stopped by a cop.
Cop walks up to the car, and the cop is another Blonde. Asks her for her license.
Blonde asks "what does it look like" The officer says, 'It's the size of a credit card and has your picture on it"
Blonde is digging in her purse and digging, pulls out her compact, opens it, sees her reflection in the mirror and hands it to the officer and says "here it is, I found it"
Cop takes it, looks at it, and says "sorry to waste your time, I didn't know you were a Cop".
Ray
Post by: alamojimmy on April 10, 2009, 10:26:39 AM
A blonde and her husband are sitting watching the evening news when the anchor states "Two Brazilian men killed today in sky diving accident"
The Blonde gets extremly upset and begins to cry. The husband looks at her and says "honey, are you okay?" She says "It is so sad, so many people die that way" Husband "Well honey, they know the risk when they sky dive" She starts to calm down.
A few minutes later, she begins to cry again. Husband asks "Honey, what is it?" Blonde: "It is just so sad, how many is a Brazilian anyway?"
Post by: alamojimmy on April 10, 2009, 10:30:59 AM
She leaves a note for her Milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Milkman sees the note, knowing she is blonde, knocks on the door and asks her if she meant 2.5 Gallons. She says no I need 25.
He asks "Do you want it pastuerized?" She says "No, just up to my tits is fine, I can splash it on my face"
Post by: spectra 81 on April 12, 2009, 10:39:53 PM
Son takes his father to the doctor. After the exam the doctor says,"got some bad news, you have cancer and about six months to live" On the way home from the doctor the old man says " i've lived 75 great years,let's go to the local pub and celebrate my good long life.After awhile the old mans friends start filteren in to the bar and the old man say's "guys gather around,i went to the doctor today and the DR said I have AIDS and about six months to live.On the way home the son ask's" dad why did you tell everyone you had AIDS when you have cancer,the old man say''s "SON BECAUSE WHEN I DIE I DONT WANT ANYBODY FUCKIN YOUR MOTHER!
Post by: spectra 81 on April 12, 2009, 10:49:05 PM
Post by: spectra 81 on April 25, 2009, 01:39:18 AM
Post by: spectra 81 on April 25, 2009, 01:49:02 AM
Post by: GT Jets on May 06, 2009, 07:17:47 PM
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City
, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continue s upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.
GT
Post by: skee on May 06, 2009, 09:18:41 PM
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City
, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continue s upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.
GT
;D :D ;) :) :o 8)
Post by: GT Jets on May 06, 2009, 10:53:10 PM
"I wish I came in flavors"..... :D >:D
I thought I was going to piss myself. ;D
My dad read it at least five times, he thought I was messing with him ;D
GT
Post by: IRRebel on May 07, 2009, 02:02:55 PM
Ray
Post by: GT Jets on May 20, 2009, 07:22:23 AM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of (taste) of First graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!!!
;D GT
Post by: IRRebel on May 20, 2009, 07:25:28 AM
Bad thing is, I picture my kids saying just THAT!
Ray
Post by: Sanger Pete on May 20, 2009, 09:19:54 AM
The lawyer says, "What is the "three kick rule"?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I would kick you three times, then you would kick me three times, and so on until one of us gives up and the other guy wins."
The lawyer looked at the old farmer, and figuring he was younger, bigger, and stronger, agreed to settle the dispute under the Montana rule. Before he finished agreeing, the farmer gave him a crushing kick to the nuts. The lawyer crumpled to the ground only to have his nose nearly wiped off his face with a second kick, and before he could clear his head, the farmer broke several ribs with a final monster blow to the kidneys.
The lawyer, bloodied and battered, slowly managed to get up, driven only by the desire to strike back at the farmer, who he warned by threatening, "Now it's my turn, you old coot, prepare to meet your maker", to which the farmer replied, "Naw, I give up--you can have the duck."
Post by: enginedoctor on May 23, 2009, 01:07:16 PM
I just couldn't let this one go without sharing!
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of (taste) of First graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!!!
;D GT
Post by: OC2Vegas on July 13, 2009, 04:29:12 PM
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Post by: GT Jets on July 13, 2009, 08:46:32 PM
An American wrestler, the champion of the US, challenges the Russian to a match for the title of World Champion, he accepts.
The Russian is well known for his unbreakable hold called the Octapus, it has never been broken and how he wins most of his matches.
They have their match at Madison Square Gareden to a sold out crowd, the announcers are going crazy over the media event of the century, the wrestlers meet in the center of the ring and begin their match at the referee's command, the crowd is going wild, as are the media and the ringside announcers. The American gets the Russian in a hold and it's short lived, he breaks free, the Russian gets the American in a hold and he breaks free, this goes on for a while....Then all of a sudden the Russian gets the American in the Octapus hold, the crowd is going crazy, as are the announcers, not one person is in their seat....It looked like the American had been beat...until, out of nowhere, the American breaks the hold and grabs the Russian, throws him to the mat and pins him for the win.............The crowd and announcers are losing their minds....
The American is the Champion of the World.
After the match up, the reporters are asking the American some questions and the inevitable happens, he is asked "how in the world did you break the famous Octapus hold"? the American wipes the sweat from his face and takes a couple of breaths and answers "well, I thought for a second there I was done for....I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I was starting to black out... then I looked up and saw a pair of balls, so I bit 'em...let me tell you, it's amazing what you can do when you bite your own balls!" :o
;D
GT
Post by: GlassCutter on August 16, 2009, 08:24:52 PM
> Subject: Balance
>
>
>
> God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
> > > archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
> > >
> > > He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
> > >
> > > God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through
> > > the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
> > >
> > > Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is
> > > it?'
> > >
> > > 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.
> > > I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to
> > > test Balance.'
> > >
> > > 'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'
> > > God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For
> > > example, northern Europe will be a place of great
> > > opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to
> > > be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
> > > people, and over there is a continent of black people.
> > > Balance in all things.'
> > >
> > > God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one
> > > will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold
> > > and covered in ice.'
> > >
> > > The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
> > > land area and said, 'What's that one?'
> > >
> > > 'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on
> > > earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
> > > lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from
> > > Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
> > > intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
> > > world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
> > > achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'
> > >
> > > Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
> > > 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be
> > > balance.'
> > >
> > > God smiled, 'There's another Washington. Wait till you
> > > see the idiots I put there.
Post by: GT Jets on September 05, 2009, 04:37:22 PM
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
:thumbup:
Post by: GT Jets on September 06, 2009, 12:50:42 PM
Might be a repost, if so "excuse the FU** out of me!!!!"
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available..
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500...00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
GT ;D
Post by: enginedoctor on September 06, 2009, 02:37:19 PM
Post by: IRRebel on March 30, 2010, 07:12:24 PM
This is too funny - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence there !!!!!'
Ray
Post by: GT Jets on March 30, 2010, 11:09:59 PM
;D
:thumbup:
:thumbup:
Post by: enginedoctor on March 30, 2010, 11:21:47 PM
How ya been?
Post by: GT Jets on March 30, 2010, 11:24:39 PM
After a few minutes, there was someone knocking on the door….”who is it?” the nuns asked…”the blind guy” someone says, the nuns didn’t see any harm in letting him in, after all he was blind.
So one of the nuns let him in, the guy walks in, says “nice tits, which windows get the blinds”………. ::)
;D
hey GT....This place sucks tonite, geez. :thumbdown:
How ya been?
Busier than a three legged cat covering crap in sawdust during a typhoon.... :banghead:
How bout yourself?
GT
Post by: enginedoctor on March 30, 2010, 11:37:48 PM
Post by: beerjet on March 31, 2010, 08:58:47 AM
I thought it was busier than a 3 legged horny goat in a ass kicking contest ???
Busier than a three legged cat covering crap in sawdust during a typhoon.... :banghead:
GT
Care to clearify that one Brad.
;D
-beerjet-
Post by: River Roy on March 31, 2010, 09:53:43 AM
Post by: GT Jets on March 31, 2010, 08:11:59 PM
He wanted to make sure they knew that bears have been seen in the area and are very dangerous....
The first instruction was to be sure to wear a bell around their necks at all times, this is to alert the bears that they are around....
The next was how to differentiate the two types of bears found in the woods, the Brown Bear and the Grizzly....The easiest way to tell was by the droppings they left behind, "the Brown Bear's scat has sticks and berries and is a little loose" he says....One of the campers asks "what about the Grizzly Bear?"...The Mounty pauses and says, "well, their crap always seems to have bells in it".
:P
GT
Post by: GT Jets on April 16, 2010, 06:30:37 PM
Sorry in advanced... :sly:
Little Johnny was woke up in the middle of the night by some moaning and groaning noises coming from his parents bedroom..
He went to the door, which was partially open, saw his new step dad on top of his mom just pouring the coals to her....The step dad pauses, looks at little Johnny and just smiles, then gets back to it...
About an hour later, the parents were woke up by some moaning and groaning coming from the step dads disabled moms room, the parents go to the door, which was partially open, there was little johnny pouring the coals to his grandma, just screwing away...he pauses and looks at his step dad and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mom, huh?"... :o
GT
Post by: flytime on April 16, 2010, 06:36:27 PM
Post by: beerjet on April 16, 2010, 06:42:23 PM
Sooooo..(https://www.socaljetboats.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10034/funny-1.gif)
Sorry in advanced... :sly:
Little Johnny was woke up in the middle of the night by some moaning and groaning noises coming from his parents bedroom..
He went to the door, which was partially open, saw his new step dad on top of his mom just pouring the coals to her....The step dad pauses, looks at little Johnny and just smiles, then gets back to it...
About an hour later, the parents were woke up by some moaning and groaning coming from the step dads disabled moms room, the parents go to the door, which was partially open, there was little johnny pouring the coals to his grandma, just screwing away...he pauses and looks at his step dad and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mom, huh?"... :o
GT
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10034/Bravo.gif)
-beerjet-
Post by: GT Jets on April 16, 2010, 08:00:37 PM
Oh Glenn, you just had to go there. Here come the nightmares......thanks alot.
Hey, I already said sorry, what did you think was going to happen?...... :screwy:
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10034/funny-1.gif)
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10034/Bravo.gif)
-beerjet-
Muchas gracias mi amigo...
BTW, downloaded your freebies....I must say, badass with a side of insane... :thumbup: :thumbup:
GT
Post by: IRRebel on April 16, 2010, 08:33:09 PM
(Ummm.......Pot, this is the kettle................ ;D)
Ray
Post by: beerjet on April 17, 2010, 12:41:54 PM
Hey, I already said sorry, what did you think was going to happen?...... :screwy:
Muchas gracias mi amigo...
BTW, downloaded your freebies....I must say, badass with a side of insane... :thumbup: :thumbup:
GT
Thank you very much Glen .
Those were pretty much first takes and were picked out of a hat.
3 diffrent flavors coinccedently .
-beerjet-
Post by: GT Jets on April 22, 2010, 08:26:21 PM
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Post by: GT Jets on April 22, 2010, 08:38:28 PM
An deaf man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells him, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The man, not able to read the doctors lips, signs to his wife "what did he say?"
His wife signs back while saying out loud "he needs your undershorts!"... :P
GT
Post by: Sanger Pete on April 22, 2010, 09:46:39 PM
So this beautiful red head drives up to the sheep ranch in her Mercedes, jumps out, and says to the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have on this ranch, will you let me have one?" The shepherd, figuring there was no way she could ever count the sheep, says, "Yeh, give it a try." The red head closes her eyes and after a moment says "532". The shepherd, amazed that she could guess the exact number, says, "you win--go ahead and pick out one sheep." The lady walks up the hill and after a few minutes says, "I'll take this one", picks it up, and heads for the car. The shepherd looks up, smiles, and says, "lady, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, would you put down my dog?"
Post by: GT Jets on April 22, 2010, 10:18:44 PM
There was a beautiful blond driving her convertible down the highway at a high rate of speed, she is always getting tickets....Up behind her pulls a CHP motorcycle and hits the lights....She pulls over, the officer notices the sexy blonde and adjusts himself pulling at the crotch of his pants, the blonde notices this in her rear view mirror and say's "damn, not another breathalyzer test"....
::)
A redhead a brunette and a blonde are out having drinks, the redhead starts talking about how far the world has come and mentions some of the greatest inventions of all time....She says the personal computer and the internet have to be one of the greatest accomplishments of all humanity...The brunette quickly agrees but says the automobile has to have really changed the way we look at travel and has made the world much smaller...The blonde pipes in and says without question, the Thermos bottle has got to be one of the greatest inventions of all time...The other two women look at each other and have this puzzled looks on their faces. "The Thermos bottle?, it keeps things warm, it keeps things cold, whats the big deal?" The blonde answers "yeah, but how does it know??".. :D
Post by: GT Jets on April 23, 2010, 09:26:26 PM
The stewardess tells the co-pilot. The co-pilot approaches the woman and says," Maam, this section is for first class only. Please go back your seat now" The blonde simply says," I'm blonde, Im beautiful, and I'm headed to Toronto".
Finally the head pilot tells the co-pilot and stewardess. "My wife is a blonde, I speak their language, I'll handle this."
The pilot whispers something in the blondes ear, and she says.."oh my God, I'm sorry and thank you!"
The co-pilot and stewardess ask what did he tell this woman to change her mind???
The pilot said...'"I just told her first class isn't going to Toronto :sly: !!!"
GT
Post by: cakemoto on April 23, 2010, 09:50:36 PM
Post by: Willow Wog on April 27, 2010, 07:23:02 PM
After an exciting hot, nice 69 with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that 2 liters of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 5 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said 'Man did you have 2 do 69 before u came here?'. Paul said ' does my breath smell like pussy?. The dentist replied ' No ur forehead smells like Shit!..
Post by: GT Jets on April 27, 2010, 08:32:51 PM
Keeper... :thumbup: LMAO
Post by: 76NORDIC on April 28, 2010, 07:57:21 AM
Post by: GlassCutter on April 28, 2010, 10:09:12 AM
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'
'Really,' she said. 'I have family in Billings.'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Post by: Willow Wog on April 28, 2010, 07:04:27 PM
Post by: GT Jets on April 28, 2010, 07:22:20 PM
This is a hoot .... sad, because it is TRUE ..... but a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!
GT
Post by: enginedoctor on April 28, 2010, 07:34:45 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on May 03, 2010, 11:33:00 AM
You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent! ;D ;D ;D
Post by: IRRebel on May 04, 2010, 12:34:29 AM
Ray
Post by: farmergord on May 04, 2010, 05:53:20 PM
Post by: farmergord on May 04, 2010, 08:19:04 PM
I90 will be closed tomorrow they are moving a 200 ton lump of coal to mount Rushmore to become the face of president Obama
Post by: honda1 on May 04, 2010, 08:23:41 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on May 04, 2010, 08:56:10 PM
Gordy have all the fun at his exspence you want we the people are sick of his sh-t ;D :banghead:X10
Post by: enginedoctor on May 04, 2010, 09:37:11 PM
LMAO! THAT is classic!!!
Ray
Just to add..."Tonto" in latin means ....'Idiot"......hmmm.
Post by: IRRebel on May 04, 2010, 09:44:46 PM
I dont know why people in Canada keep sending me this stuff :screwy:
Quite alright Gordy. We have made fun of Celine Dion and Bryan Adams for years, so it's just you guys' turn......... ;D
Ray
I90 will be closed tomorrow they are moving a 200 ton lump of coal to mount Rushmore to become the face of president Obama
Post by: GT Jets on May 04, 2010, 09:46:22 PM
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car in the parking lot.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in.
The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just banging my wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your flashlight on her!"
;D
Post by: GT Jets on May 04, 2010, 09:48:02 PM
I hope its alright for a Canadian to make fun of your President ;D
Make fun of a fool, where's the challenge? ;D
GT
Post by: enginedoctor on May 04, 2010, 10:03:24 PM
Post by: GT Jets on May 04, 2010, 10:05:42 PM
hmmm. ::) Gotta think :-\
Here is a dumbass joke so you don't have to think to hard... ;D
Bob, sorry in advanced... :screwy: ;D
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
Post by: honda1 on May 14, 2010, 05:17:20 PM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my
socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Post by: enginedoctor on May 16, 2010, 12:28:18 PM
Post by: honda1 on May 17, 2010, 05:24:19 AM
Guy Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
"Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Post by: honda1 on May 17, 2010, 05:26:36 AM
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted
Post by: River Roy on May 17, 2010, 05:28:29 AM
Guy Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
"Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
LMFAO. :) :) I copied that and it will be seen by many of my friends that I KNOW they will enjoy..Thanks.. ;) :) VERY GOOD 1.. Roy
Post by: River Roy on May 17, 2010, 05:32:20 AM
Cardiologist funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted
The Ol"lady Loved this one, The guy Fairy Tale, Not so Much, But we all knew she wouldent.. ;) :) Roy
Post by: honda1 on May 18, 2010, 04:37:55 PM
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they started their descent, Cooter slipped and fell off the tower and sadly he was killed instantly. As the ambulance took the body away, Ronnie said, “Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.”
Donnie said, “OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it.” Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie said, “Where did you get that beer Donnie?”
“Cooter's wife gave it to me”, Ronnie replied.
“That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”
“Well, not exactly”, Donnie said. “When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Post by: honda1 on May 20, 2010, 07:59:34 PM
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service J
Post by: honda1 on May 27, 2010, 08:01:39 PM
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q:WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q:WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.
Q:WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q:What is a man's Ultimateembarrassment?
A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Post by: 76NORDIC on May 29, 2010, 08:03:51 AM
Hi mom, how are you?
Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the ACE hardware store.
Ya we were, but I got arrested, and they letme make one phone call.
What happened?
Oh I punched this African-American woman in the head.
What on earth~~ why did you do that ????
Well it wasnt my fault, Dad told me to find a Black & Decker !! :beer:
Post by: GT Jets on May 30, 2010, 10:18:44 AM
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here is a little math that might prove helpful. :thumbup:
What makes life 100%?
If;
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Are represented as;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 and 26.
Then
HARD WORK, or 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
KNOWLEDGE, or 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But…..
ATTITUDE, or 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And…
BULLSHIT, or 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top…
And look how far ass kissing will get you…
ASS KISSING, or 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%... :o
Never thought about it like that before did you??? ;)
GT
Post by: crewchief22 on May 30, 2010, 12:16:04 PM
Post by: farmergord on May 30, 2010, 07:22:47 PM
Post by: GlassCutter on August 13, 2010, 09:42:34 PM
excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to meet the
Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven , Barack meets
a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted
that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in
great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he
meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet
again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with
a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a
beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is,
by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God . But you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?
''Yes! Please, my Lord.'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Yo! Mohammed!
Two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God - Your government has failed you miserably.
Post by: GT Jets on August 18, 2010, 08:49:58 PM
They tee off and are laughing and having a good time, then all of a sudden one of the three friends hooks the living crap out of his drive, off into the thick pasture the ball goes......
So because he didn't want to hold the other two up, he tells them to play ahead and he'll catch up.....He never catches up with the other two golfers....They were at the 19th hole having drinks when their buddy shows up with a black eye and a big red mark on his neck right in the Adams apple area...
Shocked, they asked "JEEZUZ, what the hell happened to you?"
In a real ragged and hard to hear voice he says "well (cough, gasp) when I hooked that damn ball into the cow pasture (clearing his voice and taking a drink of ice water) I was looking for the ball and there was a woman who hooked there too, so we were looking for the balls and suddenly I saw a cow with a Titleist golf ball stuck in it's ass (gasp, cough) and I use Spaldings, so I lifted the cows tail and pointed at it and yelled HEY LADY! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE YOURS!!!".................Have you ever been hit in the throat with a 9 iron? :D
GT
Post by: farmergord on August 20, 2010, 07:56:09 PM
This is a story about a 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Post by: 75 fantasy on September 10, 2010, 06:36:09 AM
The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"
Post by: GT Jets on September 10, 2010, 07:45:36 AM
Didn't see that one coming... :thumbup: :thumbup:
GT
Post by: Horizonjet on September 10, 2010, 08:19:55 AM
Post by: farmergord on September 10, 2010, 11:35:06 PM
Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of
$500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off
the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
Post by: crewchief22 on September 11, 2010, 07:03:16 AM
:thumbup:
Post by: farmergord on September 11, 2010, 12:40:59 PM
Post by: farmergord on September 11, 2010, 10:04:51 PM
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman
dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little
tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,
'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from
the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and
asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn,
the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn,
and now I think I'm gonna get focked out of my peaches!
Post by: IRRebel on September 11, 2010, 11:24:43 PM
Ray
Post by: Horizonjet on September 11, 2010, 11:26:14 PM
Post by: farmergord on September 12, 2010, 10:26:16 AM
Post by: Horizonjet on September 12, 2010, 12:36:50 PM
Post by: farmergord on September 13, 2010, 09:54:45 AM
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Post by: Horizonjet on September 13, 2010, 12:48:01 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on September 13, 2010, 06:17:16 PM
A little old lady answered a knock at her door one day, to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...."
"Go away!' said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder!"
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me go and get you a fork, cause they cut my electricity off this morning." ;)
Post by: Howard19 on September 26, 2010, 12:40:07 PM
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
>
> SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
>
> 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
>
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
>
> SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Post by: GlassCutter on September 26, 2010, 02:24:21 PM
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
WARNING: HIGHLY OFFENSIVE JOKES BELOW !!! PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT THE MISERY (OR ETHNICITY) OF OTHERS
Q. How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room staff to get it out.
Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench. A eight year old girl comes skipping by. The first pedophile says, "Christ look at the body on that."
To which the other replies "Yeah. I bet she was really something when she was younger."
Q. How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
A. Pull up her sleeve.
Q. How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just Juan.
Q. How do they measure the performance of gas chambers?
A. Killajews per second.
What's the difference between the World Trade Center and the New York Mets?
A. The Mets collapse every September.
Q. What is the difference between pedophilia and necrophilia?
A. About three minutes.
Q. What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews?
A. Boy scouts come back from camp.
Q. What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?
A. Your wife can't take a joke.
Q. Why don't you ever see black people going on cruises?
A. They're not falling for that one again.
All Mexican and Black jokes are the same. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal....
Post by: crewchief22 on September 26, 2010, 11:50:09 PM
Post by: IRRebel on September 27, 2010, 12:55:50 AM
Dang John... It looks like you left out the old and the retarded >:D ;)
LMAO!!!!! True he did! I'm not gonna get into where I would gone beyond that, but, Damn man!!!!! Funny chit!
Ray
Post by: 76NORDIC on September 30, 2010, 05:20:49 PM
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. ;D ;D
Post by: enginedoctor on October 01, 2010, 11:09:02 PM
Post by: GT Jets on October 02, 2010, 08:43:05 AM
Dont get it ???
Apparently in 1872, the Arabs were a bunch of goat f*ckers... ;D
Then later, in 1873, the British settled for ugly women, and screwed them with goat parts on their "bangers"... ;)
GT
Post by: IRRebel on October 03, 2010, 06:40:29 PM
Apparently in 1872, the Arabs were a bunch of goat f*ckers... ;D
Then later, in 1873, the British settled for ugly women, and screwed them with goat parts on their "bangers"... ;)
GT
LOL! Ain't it so though? I mean, the cream of the crop from the British are, what, Kiera Knightley and Elizabeth Hurley? I see more than that 10 times over just those two in a few hours around town here, Vegas or in SoCal.............. ;D
But yeah, were I an Arab, I'd take my chances with the goat. At least you can see it's face.............................
Ray
Post by: GT Jets on October 03, 2010, 06:49:48 PM
I needed to update my siggy anyways! :thumbup: You're alright man... ;D
GT
Post by: IRRebel on October 03, 2010, 06:53:45 PM
Thanks Ray!
I needed to update my siggy anyways! :thumbup: You're alright man... ;D
GT
Gee......thanks.........I think...........
Ray
Post by: GlassCutter on October 13, 2010, 10:39:33 PM
Seriously, don't go any further is you are racially sensitive. You've been warned ! Are we clear?
THE GOLF ROBOT
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
Post by: SuperJet on October 13, 2010, 10:56:26 PM
Be advised: GlassCutter IS NOT A RACIST ! The joke just struck me as funny. Don't scroll down if you are easily offended OK?
Seriously, don't go any further is you are racially sensitive. You've been warned ! Are we clear?
THE GOLF ROBOT
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
now that right there is some funny chit
Post by: 76NORDIC on October 14, 2010, 06:55:16 AM
Post by: 76NORDIC on October 18, 2010, 04:57:22 PM
Post by: enginedoctor on November 02, 2010, 08:52:30 PM
he is not a Gynecologist, and she replies "I know"... My boyfriend just wants his teeth back..... :sly:
Post by: enginedoctor on November 07, 2010, 12:33:50 PM
Post by: german1 on November 14, 2010, 07:01:56 PM
Post by: enginedoctor on November 14, 2010, 11:27:41 PM
Post by: Howard19 on December 02, 2010, 06:54:19 AM
i am a single mom and dont recieve child support from either one of my babys daddies, all of them flee back to Mexico whenever they are caught except for juan who crashes at my place since he got out of jail. My children need their laptop computers updated but they must have spaish as the language because i want him to be emerced in the language of their beautiful culture.
All of my kids need new cell phone and ipods because the other ones are a year old. please help us because we can hardly make the car payments on my escalade
Post by: Your Mom on December 02, 2010, 08:19:07 AM
I found this on C/L I choked :Dlol...
i am a single mom and dont recieve child support from either one of my babys daddies, all of them flee back to Mexico whenever they are caught except for juan who crashes at my place since he got out of jail. My children need their laptop computers updated but they must have spaish as the language because i want him to be emerced in the language of their beautiful culture.
All of my kids need new cell phone and ipods because the other ones are a year old. please help us because we can hardly make the car payments on my escalade
How many parasites will it take to bring down america.....
Post by: Brendella Pickle on December 02, 2010, 10:54:01 AM
lol...
How many parasites will it take to bring down america.....
Only 3... 2 to sleep in the grass at the park and Juan to turn the lightbulb!
Post by: GlassCutter on December 15, 2010, 07:31:00 PM
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Post by: 76NORDIC on December 16, 2010, 08:36:19 AM
Post by: SLCKREG on December 16, 2010, 03:02:41 PM
A cop approaches and says can I help you sir?
The drunk says yeeesssss.. sssomebody sstole my car.
The cop says where was your car the last time you saw it?
The drunk says it wasss at the end of thisss key.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the mans johnson hanging out of his pants.
The cop asks the man..are you aware you are exposing yourself?
The drunk looks down at his crotch....and without missing a beat he blurts out
Holy shit! .. My girl friend is gone too. ;D :o
Post by: GlassCutter on December 28, 2010, 08:04:28 PM
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467," cried the teacher! "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing: "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Obama governmental approach of giving you something crappy, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."
The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .but also for the first time felt Johnny was a genius!
Post by: Nixonnow on December 28, 2010, 09:12:08 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on January 11, 2011, 08:58:15 PM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was beeing shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!, how can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, just a better health plan." >:D
Post by: GlassCutter on January 29, 2011, 08:38:39 PM
1 % liked the warmth,
2 % liked the sensation,
3 % liked the eroticism, and
94 % just liked the peace and quiet
Post by: enginedoctor on January 29, 2011, 09:32:43 PM
Post by: farmergord on February 07, 2011, 02:44:52 PM
fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side.
Post by: 76NORDIC on February 07, 2011, 03:02:50 PM
Post by: enginedoctor on February 07, 2011, 04:25:41 PM
Post by: farmergord on February 07, 2011, 10:57:53 PM
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Post by: Nixonnow on March 07, 2011, 06:47:50 PM
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi17.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb94%2Fschmidt0053%2Fimage003.jpg&hash=06281e79c10dd317fdbf48b1b7d6bf1919445185)
Post by: farmergord on March 08, 2011, 11:32:55 AM
Post by: farmergord on March 16, 2011, 04:29:01 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
"So why are you here ?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Post by: enginedoctor on March 18, 2011, 04:32:59 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on April 19, 2011, 05:42:59 PM
"God save me!" the atheist cried, terrified.
A brilliant shaft of light illuminated the scene, and a mighty voice came out of the sky.
"You've denied my existence all these years. Now I'm supposed to believe you're a Christian?"
The atheist stammered, "You're right. I'm being a hypocrite. But perhaps you could turn the bear into a Christian."
"It is done!" the voice boomed.
The bear lifted his two paws from the atheist's chest. He put them together and prayed, "For that which I am about to eat, I thank thee, O Lord. Amen."
Post by: Nixonnow on April 24, 2011, 04:33:20 PM
go and the plane continues to lose speed, "i hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start realeasing passengers
by "alphabetical order" beginning with the letter A of course....so are there any AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS? no one answers....ok now
B....BLACK PEOPLE, ANY BLACK PEOPLE? again, silence. ok now C, COLORED PEOPLE ANY COLORED PEOPLE"? silence. a black child turns to
his mother and ask's "mom, arent we African American, Black and Colored?" his mother turns to him and says "honey today we are
NIGGAS. let dem MEXICANS go first." so the little BLACK boy turns to the little MEXICAN kid sitting next to him and laughs. the MEXICAN kid
laughs back and says " i'm a WETBACK today, so get ready to jump my NIGGA".....
Post by: GlassCutter on April 30, 2011, 11:54:10 PM
packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she
could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if
I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and
secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around
the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she
said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it
on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'
she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.......
Post by: GlassCutter on May 05, 2011, 08:44:04 PM
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic .
In other news ...
We all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of
2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.
Now,
KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."
It consists of nothing but left wings and a@@#%&*@
Post by: Howard19 on May 16, 2011, 05:03:39 PM
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." >:D
Post by: GlassCutter on June 02, 2011, 06:32:27 AM
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Post by: GT Jets on June 13, 2011, 09:20:34 PM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge." said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually, the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? :-\
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge......Just an asshole. :sly:
GT
Post by: GlassCutter on June 16, 2011, 08:39:11 PM
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ?
It seems like only yesterday,
She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Post by: GT Jets on June 18, 2011, 10:03:46 PM
When my daughter was about three, I remodeled the kitchen in our house...I had all the drawers and doors off the cabinets and being replaced with new (I know Bob, I cheated :D )
Anyways, my daughter comes out one Saturday morning all rumpled and wanted some breakfast, so she grabs a bowl from the counter to get some cereal, walks over to where the drawer holding the flatware would be and says "Hey....Where are all the fork and spoons", remember that she is three and did not say it very clearly, add to that she had just woke up...
Guess what it sounded like she said. :-X
All I can say is that I thought my wife was going to kick my ass.... :-[
So now, anytime we need silverware or anything like that it's, "where are all the fork and spoons!"....Still funny and my daughter is now 17. ;D
GT
Post by: GlassCutter on June 19, 2011, 07:22:45 AM
Post by: GlassCutter on June 19, 2011, 12:07:33 PM
--- .WRONG BITCH
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Post by: GlassCutter on June 23, 2011, 07:57:00 AM
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me"!
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra".
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth".
Post by: Nixonnow on June 24, 2011, 07:02:48 PM
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi17.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb94%2Fschmidt0053%2Fiphonepics046-1.jpg&hash=92e5b339cf4863900898f1e25c0446539f7ba662)
Post by: IRRebel on June 25, 2011, 08:13:49 AM
saw this on a back window of a pickup truck at wal-mart. thought it was funny.
(https://www.socaljetboats.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi17.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb94%2Fschmidt0053%2Fiphonepics046-1.jpg&hash=92e5b339cf4863900898f1e25c0446539f7ba662)
Saw one the other day, Damn near wrecked the truck getting my phone out and still missed getting a pic of it, but it said "I wish my Girlfriend was as dirty as my truck" ;D
Ray
Post by: GlassCutter on July 01, 2011, 12:01:32 AM
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree butt naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't gonna be your day is it cupcake ...."
Post by: farmergord on July 08, 2011, 10:05:19 AM
block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home
Post by: 76NORDIC on July 08, 2011, 12:10:29 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on July 14, 2011, 11:46:19 AM
Post by: GlassCutter on July 20, 2011, 11:09:49 AM
"Dad, look, swimmers, can we eat them?"
"Yes son, but there is a proceedure we have to follow before we eat them. First we circle around them three times with half our fin sticking out of the water. Next we circle them the other way closer in with our whole fin out of the water. Finally we swim straight at them, turning at the last second, and it works better if we bump them with a fin while turning".
So the sharks circle them, and circle them, and bump them.
"Now Dad? Can we eat them now?". "Yes son, they're ready now!".
So, they eat them all up. As the sharks are swimming away "Dad, why did we do all the circling and bumping?".
"Well son, they just taste better when they're not full of shit!".
Post by: Howard19 on August 02, 2011, 11:21:54 AM
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Post by: Howard19 on August 12, 2011, 01:33:45 PM
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,'replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"BOB, wake up! You Shit in the bed!"
Post by: Howard19 on August 12, 2011, 01:46:18 PM
Post by: Howard19 on August 13, 2011, 10:04:20 AM
Post by: GlassCutter on September 14, 2011, 08:52:08 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Post by: 76NORDIC on September 14, 2011, 11:53:27 AM
Post by: mobboss on September 14, 2011, 12:47:59 PM
Post by: Willow Wog on September 27, 2011, 03:02:18 AM
Sent from my Droid using Tapatalk
Post by: Beaveretriever on September 27, 2011, 09:35:26 AM
Post by: More2LifeThanMPG on September 27, 2011, 10:14:26 AM
Sent while on the run, or sitting at work bored
Post by: GT Jets on September 27, 2011, 03:05:57 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!
Post by: enginedoctor on September 27, 2011, 07:43:19 PM
Post by: GlassCutter on October 08, 2011, 10:37:40 PM
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills", the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,"he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention."
Post by: farmergord on October 19, 2011, 07:33:59 PM
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down..10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Post by: enginedoctor on October 21, 2011, 05:09:18 PM
Post by: GlassCutter on October 23, 2011, 07:16:34 PM
Post by: farmergord on December 20, 2011, 09:50:20 AM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Post by: 76NORDIC on December 20, 2011, 10:27:55 AM
Post by: farmergord on February 08, 2012, 02:16:29 PM
A drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my 'wiggly' inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my 'wiggly' unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his 'wiggly' and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle
and smacked the crocodile really, really hard
on the top of its head
The croc opened his mouth and the man
removed his 'credentials' unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly Spoke up ...
"I'll try it —
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Post by: 1972Challenger on February 08, 2012, 03:08:40 PM
(whos there?)
Obama...
(Obama who?)
OOO.... Ba....Ma.. Self.... Dont wanna be.... OOO.. Ba... Ma... Self....
Post by: 76NORDIC on February 08, 2012, 05:05:38 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on February 08, 2012, 05:46:07 PM
WOW the coed said. She bought the thermos and took it to school the next day. One of her teachers happened to notice it.
Nice thermos the teacher said.
The coed said, yes it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!
The teacher said I know, so what do you have in there now?
The coed answered, Two popsicles and some coffee!!!!1 :beer: :beer:
Post by: BIG JOHNSON on February 08, 2012, 10:06:49 PM
The black demands the Asian to prove this.
Asian picks a rock, hucks it and it said,
"Ching, Chwang, Chong!"
The black dude was amazed.
Black guy picks a rock, hucks it and it said,
"Go-Ril-A!"
Angrily, the black man picks another and hucks it...
"Chim-Pan-Zee!"
He was furious! He got so mad, he picked up a boulder, raised it over his head and slammed it into the pond, and it said,
"BA-BOON!!"
Sent from my ADR6400L using Tapatalk
Post by: farmergord on February 08, 2012, 10:20:42 PM
Post by: Howard19 on February 28, 2012, 09:57:37 AM
to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never
played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for
my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic Tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Post by: BIG JOHNSON on February 28, 2012, 11:27:51 AM
Sent from my ADR6400L using Tapatalk
Post by: BIG JOHNSON on March 18, 2012, 07:25:05 PM
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'.
Sent from my ADR6400L using Tapatalk
Post by: farmergord on March 30, 2012, 10:52:19 AM
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
Post by: GlassCutter on April 22, 2012, 08:52:48 AM
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a three people here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Post by: 76NORDIC on April 26, 2012, 10:33:34 AM
On student said to his friend, I"m sure that poor old man has Peltry syndrome. Those people walk just like that.
The other student says, No I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki syndrome He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, Were medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is??
The old man said, I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.
The first student said I think it's Peltry syndrome
The old man said, you thought-but you are wrong.
The other student said, I think you have Zovitzki syndrome.
The old man said you thought-but you are wrong.
So they asked him, well old timer, what do you have?
The old man said, I thought it was GAS- but I was wrong too! :sly: :sly:
Post by: farmergord on April 26, 2012, 10:33:46 PM
Post by: GT Jets on April 26, 2012, 10:43:23 PM
First man starts the conversation with "man, what I would give to take a nice long uninterrupted piss"...The second man says "I hear ya, but would love even more to take a nice firm crap without feeling like I'm going to crap out a kidney"...
The third man pipes in "shoot, you guys have it easy, at 6:00AM every day, I piss like a racehorse, then at about 7:00AM I take a dump bigger than a Grizzly bears".
The other two look at each other with confusion, "what's wrong with that?!" they exclaim...
The third man says "I don't wake up til' after 9:00AM!!!!" :P
Post by: GT Jets on April 26, 2012, 10:55:49 PM
As the German goes to tee off of the first hole, a high pitched beep is heard from his hat. "A sousand pardons gents" he says as he tugs on the bill of his golf cap and he talks to someone on the other end in German. After the call the other two golfers are looking at him with curiosity. "Oh, new technology, a cel phone hat"...The other two impressed carry on with the game...At the 6th tee, the Japanese man is about to tee out comes a whistling sound. The Japanese man tugs on his ear and starts speaking to someone on the other end in Japanese. "Oh, very sorry for the interruption, one of our new inventions, the two way hearing aid", the other two are in awe... After several more holes of golf at the 18th hole, the American goes to tee off and out of nowhere they hear a gigantic fart. Blushing, the Sharper Image executive says, "hey sorry guys, I have a FAX coming in"..... ::)
GT
Post by: GT Jets on April 26, 2012, 10:56:24 PM
Post by: farmergord on April 27, 2012, 06:18:21 AM
Post by: Howard19 on May 16, 2012, 05:57:57 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the little boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then extremely firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No, IRS."
Post by: Howard19 on May 29, 2012, 02:36:30 PM
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Do you have one for President Obama?' asked the man.
Obamas clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Post by: Howard19 on October 01, 2012, 08:19:32 AM
GeorgeBush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Post by: GT Jets on October 03, 2012, 09:16:34 PM
On A Cowboy's Tombstone...
10-2-12
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah.
He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Post by: GlassCutter on October 04, 2012, 07:19:55 PM
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."
You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
Post by: 76NORDIC on October 04, 2012, 08:38:44 PM
Post by: GT Jets on October 16, 2012, 10:17:06 PM
B-Rad, feel free to delete this if it is a little over the top... :-\
So a business man new to the San Francisco bay area was looking to get a drink after a hard day at the office. The first bar he goes into near the office was full of suits and just seemed to "stiff" to truly be able to relax and just have a drink or two.
The next place he goes into right down the street was way too loud and flashy for him he felt out of place..
So he goes a few blocks down the road and pops into a pretty cool looking place, seemed tastefully done, was clean and neat and everybody was real low key...There were few to no women around, but he doesn't seem to notice, he only wanted a drink or two and a cab ride home.
So he sits down at the bar, orders a drink and just sort of people watches for a bit, everybody seemed so friendly...
So after a couple of drinks, he thanks the bartender, throws down a nice tip and ask where he could find the restroom, the bartender says"just down that hall and down the stairs"...
He gets to the restroom without any drama and takes a whiz, as he turns around to wash his hands he is utterly shocked to see one guy bent over the counter top getting drilled from behind and the guy doing the drilling getting drilled also...
Partially in shock, he leaves the restroom and figures he should let someone know what the hell is going on in there.. He gets to the bar and quietly tells the bartender what's going on, the bartender looks at him and smiles and asks "was one of the guys wearing a red and white plaid shirt?" The guy says "Yeah! the one in the middle!", the bartender responds "Yeah, Ronnie is lucky at cards too"....
The man almost gets sick and leaves the bar...
Post by: BROKEDIK on October 20, 2012, 05:43:14 PM
A: She fits into your wife's clothes!
Post by: BIG JOHNSON on October 24, 2012, 10:22:43 AM
I have suspected my wife has been cheating on me. Usual signs, like if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up... she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hair-line crack in the reverse bucket.
Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?
Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2
Post by: 5150whiteboy on October 24, 2012, 10:56:28 AM
Sent using Tapatalk
Post by: riptide84 on October 24, 2012, 01:21:10 PM
they both know how to throw a hoe down 8)
Post by: Horizonjet on October 24, 2012, 10:11:18 PM
Post by: Squirrel Master on October 25, 2012, 02:37:14 PM
what do radial tires and Obama have in common?
if u put chains on em they sing O0
Post by: GlassCutter on January 07, 2013, 10:45:27 PM
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature
of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
Post by: 76NORDIC on January 08, 2013, 07:34:58 AM
Post by: Horizonjet on January 08, 2013, 08:23:49 AM
Post by: More2LifeThanMPG on January 09, 2013, 01:46:03 PM
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes!
Random a and off topic, but if that's your truck in the little signature thing. You work about a 1/4 mile from me. I used to see you driving to work.
Sent while day dreaming...
Post by: GlassCutter on January 10, 2013, 10:31:37 PM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now
that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting,
handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
Post by: GT Jets on January 10, 2013, 11:08:09 PM
I finally figured out why the Toyota Prius always looked to me like a huge suppository, every time I get behind one on the freeway I want to shove it up the drivers ass.... :sly:
Post by: 76NORDIC on January 11, 2013, 05:47:30 PM
Post by: Marcsrollin on January 12, 2013, 09:53:29 PM
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Post by: Horizonjet on January 12, 2013, 10:29:43 PM
Post by: millerboy74 on February 19, 2013, 05:04:15 PM
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Post by: Horizonjet on February 19, 2013, 05:10:10 PM
Post by: 76NORDIC on February 19, 2013, 05:32:36 PM
Post by: GlassCutter on March 04, 2013, 08:14:57 AM
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Post by: GT Jets on March 04, 2013, 08:56:43 AM
Post by: sevans01 on March 04, 2013, 09:56:33 AM
Sent from my iPhone
Post by: More2LifeThanMPG on March 04, 2013, 02:10:37 PM
Sent while day dreaming, using SoCalJetBoats mobile app
Post by: muffbro on March 04, 2013, 04:29:46 PM
Sent from da phone
Post by: GlassCutter on March 07, 2013, 08:31:44 AM
Pay attention, this is serious!
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
I just spent $95 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
The only instructions were,"Do not use in sunlight."
Post by: 76NORDIC on March 07, 2013, 10:46:24 AM
Post by: Horizonjet on March 07, 2013, 10:59:57 AM
Post by: 76NORDIC on March 07, 2013, 01:38:46 PM
Post by: Horizonjet on March 13, 2013, 05:16:13 PM
Post by: crewchief22 on March 19, 2013, 08:17:33 PM
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Post by: lauren_angulo on March 19, 2013, 08:34:21 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
hahahaha I'm dieing! 😂😂
Post by: sevans01 on April 29, 2013, 12:16:01 PM
Post by: riptide84 on April 29, 2013, 01:14:50 PM
Post by: MID-LAKE-CRISIS on May 08, 2013, 12:23:05 PM
hope these are fresh;
I went to our local bar last night with my wife
and locals started shouting "pedophile!" and
other names at me, just because my wife is
24 and I'm 50. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How can you tell?" Well, the man says
"The sex is about the same...but the ironing is piling up!"
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're Banned from teaching altogether!"
Post by: Havasukona455 on May 08, 2013, 01:04:28 PM
Frank is sitting at the bar with his two buddies. he turns and ask Jim, " what did you get your wife for christmas this year?". JIm says " well, this year i bought her a house down by the beach and one in the mountains". the other two look at each other and say " what did you do that for ?" Jim says " well, i figure if she doesnt like the house down by the beach she can use the house in the mountains" both men agree and move on. Frank turns to his other buddy Tim and says "what did you get your wife for christmas this year?" Tim says " well, i got her an suv and a sports car" both men look at each other and say " what did you do that for ?" Tim says " well, if she doesnt like the suv she can drive the sports car". both men agree and turn to frank and say " so Frank, what did you get your wife this christmas?" he turns to both men and says " fellas, i got her a pair of slippers and a vibrator". both men look at each other and say " what the hell did you do that for?" Frank says " well if she doesnt like the slippers, she can go fuck herself " >:D >:D
Post by: JordanDangerfield on May 08, 2013, 03:49:34 PM
hope this isnt a repeat, too lazy to read through the pages ;D
Frank is sitting at the bar with his two buddies. he turns and ask Jim, " what did you get your wife for christmas this year?". JIm says " well, this year i bought her a house down by the beach and one in the mountains". the other two look at each other and say " what did you do that for ?" Jim says " well, i figure if she doesnt like the house down by the beach she can use the house in the mountains" both men agree and move on. Frank turns to his other buddy Tim and says "what did you get your wife for christmas this year?" Tim says " well, i got her an suv and a sports car" both men look at each other and say " what did you do that for ?" Tim says " well, if she doesnt like the suv she can drive the sports car". both men agree and turn to frank and say " so Frank, what did you get your wife this christmas?" he turns to both men and says " fellas, i got her a pair of slippers and a vibrator". both men look at each other and say " what the hell did you do that for?" Frank says " well if she doesnt like the slippers, she can go **** herself " >:D >:D
Hahahaa
Post by: Bigblockchevy on May 08, 2013, 08:53:11 PM
Post by: MID-LAKE-CRISIS on May 09, 2013, 07:19:48 PM
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.... She's 25 and her name is Kathy.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I could
contribute towards the flash flooding in Kandahar, Afghanistan.
I said, "I would love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway."
Post by: Horizonjet on May 09, 2013, 07:31:50 PM
Because of the dairy air
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Post by: rivermikey on June 25, 2013, 04:56:53 PM
Post by: GlassCutter on October 15, 2014, 08:56:25 PM
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: generally from .223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, it's not noticeable.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
ARMY RANGERS
We Lead The Way!
Post by: crewchief22 on October 15, 2014, 09:20:11 PM
COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: generally from .223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, it's not noticeable.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
ARMY RANGERS
We Lead The Way!
I guess this one was worth bringing this thread back from the dead ;) :thumbup:
Post by: GlassCutter on July 30, 2015, 03:58:40 PM
I was in Chicago last week and while I was walking through the
Oak Brook Mall, I saw a Muslim book store. I wondered what they
would have there, so I went in and after a few minutes, a clerk asked
me if I needed help. I asked her if they had Donald Trump's book on
his "US Immigration Policy Regarding Muslims and Illegal Mexicans".
The clerk replied, "FUCK OFF, GET OUT, AND STAY OUT". I said
"YES, that's the one, do you have it in paperback"?
Post by: Bigblockchevy1691 on July 30, 2015, 08:39:27 PM
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Post by: tunnels on March 29, 2018, 09:34:34 AM
Post by: angermgmt on March 29, 2018, 10:02:00 AM
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Post by: Bigblockchevy1691 on March 29, 2018, 10:47:24 AM
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Post by: 08chevyguy on March 30, 2018, 04:53:05 AM
Post by: Undersoul02 on March 30, 2018, 09:26:11 AM
If we don't get some support around here soon, people are going to think we're nuts!
Post by: GT Jets on March 30, 2018, 12:00:37 PM
Absolutely nothing....
GT
Post by: GT Jets on March 30, 2018, 05:38:12 PM
One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims, " I want to join your club."
The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and
points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Sure do... drink like a fish. I'll drink
any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting
pool."
The biker asks: "Do you use profanity?"
"Fuckin' A I do, you asshole!" replies the old lady.
The biker is very impressed and asks," Last Question. Have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been
swung around by the nipples."
GT
Post by: Undersoul02 on March 30, 2018, 05:59:04 PM
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.That's funny!
One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims, " I want to join your club."
The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and
points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Sure do... drink like a fish. I'll drink
any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting
pool."
The biker asks: "Do you use profanity?"
"Fuckin' A I do, you asshole!" replies the old lady.
The biker is very impressed and asks," Last Question. Have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been
swung around by the nipples."
GT
Post by: GT Jets on March 31, 2018, 04:02:49 PM
GT
Post by: Bigblockchevy1691 on March 31, 2018, 10:58:25 PM
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