SoCal Jet Boats
Discussion => The No Wake Zone => WarZone => Topic started by: jet boat performance on March 08, 2008, 08:18:37 PM
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Yes I stole this from PB "open water' ;D its to good to not pass on LMFASO (still) :
Bought My Wife A Taser
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Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her stainless steel microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-BITCH... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Bill
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Too funny Tommy. Thats good reading.
Bob
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I'm in tears- too funny. Personally I would have tasered the cat.
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LMFAO ;D
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[attachimg=1] I would have tasered the cat too.
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Amongst my weopons is a "multi zillion" volt stungun which when I brought it home (i think) Josh and some buddy's may have tried out ,I would prolly piss my self ;D T
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I had to taser someone 2 times while on duty (reserve sheriff). I call it my "attitude adjuster". Backup is usually about 10 minutes away so both times were necessary ::). Anyways its amazing what 2 barbes (handgun version) can do to someone.
350lb. cranked out Hells Angel that won't leave a bar and told me to go f*** myself???
Pissed his pants and cried "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, like his dad was woopin his 10 year old ass with a belt"
Afterwords he was an ok guy and wanted to know where to get one.
Other time was a naked black guy trippin on something and running and fighting. My buddy and I looked at each other and gave the nod and grin. Zapped him to the ground cuffed him and called the paramedics to make sure he wasn't gonna OD on whatever. I think he was huffin 76 regular unleaded.
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Blue what a Great visual ! Sounds like a rerun of "cops" ;D ;D Tom
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I read it too Tom and just the thought of the story make s me bust up .
-beerjet-
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I was just out front working on the boat and my uncle was up the garage rummaging around, any way I hear the door closing (one of those 4 pc section ones) and I hear this POP ! the sound instantly gave me goosebumps. SOooo I waited a second to listen for the scream to follow, sure enough as soon as the door flies back up I hear........ well you can figure it out. he goes running in the house bleeding all over the place crying he whopped off his finger, I take a look at its really crooked, and the pad is cut all the way across, but still firmly atatched (he will live). Now I have 1 frantic woman calling 911, another all grey looking and WAY TOO quiet, and a grown man in tears. The test........who do I take care of first ? well it all worked out , got a cool damp rag put it on the back of the neck for the passin out woman (my aunt), got her friend off the phone (911), and made up an icepack and wrapped up my uncles finger, stuffed them in the truck, and off to the emergency room, sent the fire department back to the station. Then finished installing the studs in ny pump.
Aren't days off cool.
I was going to start another thread but after reading through this one I couldn't bump it down the list
ISN'T THAT THE KINDA SHIT KIDS DO TOM? ......LMAO,
you should have just left it on the counter and watch when Josh went to check it out...... ;D
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Blue what a Great visual ! Sounds like a rerun of "cops" ;D ;D Tom
Yeah it has to be fairly major or out of control to use the Tazer and the stories are usually pretty good. I think the biker would have had his way with me if I didn't have the Tazer. They definately save lives of civilians and Officer's when you don't have to pull a gun.
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BAD BOYS BAD BOYS..... whatcha gonna do O0 O0 O0
Little Know fact here BTW yours truly here , former SLO cty posse /reserve deputy ;)