SoCal Jet Boats
Discussion => The No Wake Zone => WarZone => Topic started by: Ralph Brunt on July 31, 2008, 06:49:07 PM
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TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES
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Fourth Place:�
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.' Shocked Shocked Shocked
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal...
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Very Long day Bro ,much needed laughter here !!!
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;D
I'm in tears !!! lol
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keep them coming please!!!!
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Gotta Luv those IRISH !!!!
>An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
>ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
>'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
>'Not a chance ', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
>'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
>It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't
>even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
>know how things went.
>It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
>directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed,
>"Oh, faith and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
>'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
>'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
>effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a
>twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
>one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
>ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then a nd there
>passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you,
>an absolute nightmare!'
>'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
>your husband provided wasn't good?'
>'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin
>here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
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;D ;Dlmfao
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Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,! how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?''Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!
''No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.''No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?''I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?''It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
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ok one more for ya.
It was worth the trouble....................
NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?'
I then said 'honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a >while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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HA that is great.
The Beav
If it flies,floats, or fucks rent it. its cheaper
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not really adult jokes, but some sat morn humor :)
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded
baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag
is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star trek
A. Because they're not going to work
in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo
and a Northern zoo
A. The Southern zoo has a description
of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a Northern
fairytale and a Southern fairytale???
A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once
upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all
ain't
gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States .
have a great day everybody and be safe if heading to the water ;D
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A buddy just sent me this...
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sits down and looks over the menu.
~ Roasted Tourist: $5
~ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
~ Fried Explorer: $15.00
~ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians? '
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'
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Another buddy sent me this one!
How funny is this?
OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.