Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls and text messages: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why
would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact,
they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with
a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this
issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and
the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and
in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below
that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have mattress mambo.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
