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Toes on the Nose

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Tools, Explained
« on: January 06, 2009, 09:17:09 AM »

  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
 flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
 chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
 freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
 where nothing could get to it.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
 under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
 and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
 to say, 'Oh sh -- '
 
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
 holes until you die of old age.
 
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
 of blood-blisters.
 
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
 principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
 motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
 dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
  heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
  intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
 flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
 grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
 race.
 
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
 projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
 after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
 handle firmly under the bumper.
 
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
 to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
 into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
 the outside edge.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
 of everything you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil  on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
 to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
 butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
 bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
 is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
 adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
 cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
 well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
 bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
 parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
 use.
 
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
 while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
 oft en, the next tool that you will need.   

 
 
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Guns kill people lke spoons made Rosie O'Donnel fat!!

FORKEDUP

  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Tools, Explained
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2009, 09:43:53 AM »
seems i have used those tools a time or two ;D, thanks for the laugh ;D
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BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY
26' kachina force 496bbc
19' eliminator daytona 496bbc (still in my heart)
21 Commander, blown 454, berk pump.

crewchief22

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Re: Tools, Explained
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2009, 12:38:08 PM »
For some reason my weed-eater falls into the DAMN-IT catagory often.  :banghead:

But there is one time I about hit a kid on a bicycle with a car wash brush/wand as it flew into the street (after I scrached the car next to the one I was washing).  :mad:

Great list  ;D
  • Boat #1: '77 Hondo Pantera GT Jet
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"Racing is life!  Anything that happens before or after, is just waiting"    Steve McQueen

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

MORBEER

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Re: Tools, Explained
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2009, 09:04:22 PM »
That is HILARIOUS, but oh so true!
  • Boat #1: 1988 Commander Mini day
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jet boat performance

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Re: Tools, Explained
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2009, 09:06:39 AM »
I've only ever thrown a tool once ever in 30 + years (yeah right ) last time I Hit my Mac roller cart  :banghead:
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nathan72

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Re: Tools, Explained
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2009, 01:12:34 PM »
I've only ever thrown a tool once ever in 30 + years (yeah right ) last time I Hit my Mac roller cart  :banghead:
thank god it was a mac and not a snap-on ;D
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THE SLOUGH CREW

 


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