RULES FOR THE LADIES
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
* Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
* Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as fishing, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
* Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
* Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
* Sunday 3D Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
* Shopping is not a sport.
* Anything you wear is fine. Really.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
* Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
* Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
* No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
* Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
* Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes; what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor, now.
* Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
* Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
* Check your oil.
* Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
* Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
* Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how truly pretty you are?
* Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
* Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
* Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
* Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
