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farmergord

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #125 on: September 12, 2010, 10:26:16 AM »
horizen you owe me a keyboard I spit my tea all over it  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
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Horizonjet

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #126 on: September 12, 2010, 12:36:50 PM »
 :D :thumbup:  Put it on my tab.   
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farmergord

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #127 on: September 13, 2010, 09:54:45 AM »
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
 One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
 The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
 Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
 The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
 The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
 The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
 The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
 The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
 So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
 The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
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Horizonjet

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #128 on: September 13, 2010, 12:48:01 PM »
HA! HA!  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
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76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #129 on: September 13, 2010, 06:17:16 PM »
When I say I am broke, I'm broke!!!


A little old lady answered a knock at her door one day, to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.   "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...."

"Go away!' said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"

and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder!"

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me go and get you a fork, cause they cut my electricity off this morning."     ;)
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

Howard19

  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #130 on: September 26, 2010, 12:40:07 PM »
 
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A  SAUNA.
>
> SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
>
> 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
>
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE  HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
>
> SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!


 
 
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GlassCutter

  • Karma: +31/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #131 on: September 26, 2010, 02:24:21 PM »
WARNING          WARNING         WARNING      WARNING      WARNING           WARNING       WARNING            WARNING         WARNING      WARNING

WARNING:  HIGHLY OFFENSIVE JOKES BELOW !!!   PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT THE MISERY (OR ETHNICITY) OF OTHERS





Q. How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room staff to get it out.
 

Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench. A eight year old girl comes skipping by. The first pedophile says, "Christ look at the body on that."

To which the other replies "Yeah. I bet she was really something when she was younger."
 

Q. How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
A. Pull up her sleeve.

 
Q. How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just Juan.
 
Q. How do they measure the performance of gas chambers?
A. Killajews per second.
 
 What's the difference between the World Trade Center and the New York Mets?
A. The Mets collapse every September.
 
Q. What is the difference between pedophilia and necrophilia?
A. About three minutes.
 
Q. What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews?
A. Boy scouts come back from camp.
 

Q. What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?
A. Your wife can't take a joke.

 

Q. Why don't you ever see black people going on cruises?
A. They're not falling for that one again.

 
All Mexican and Black jokes are the same. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal....
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"Go ahead Rivertard does it.  Take a video though."

"If you did it in a dodge it would have shifted perfectly ran a thousand miles per hour and got optimum fuel mileage!"  Nordie  2012

crewchief22

  • Karma: +66/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #132 on: September 26, 2010, 11:50:09 PM »
Dang John...  It looks like you left out the old and the retarded  >:D  ;)
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

IRRebel

  • Karma: +16/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #133 on: September 27, 2010, 12:55:50 AM »
Dang John...  It looks like you left out the old and the retarded  >:D  ;)

LMAO!!!!! True he did! I'm not gonna get into where I would gone beyond that, but, Damn man!!!!! Funny chit!

Ray
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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #134 on: September 30, 2010, 05:20:49 PM »
Facts:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.   ;D ;D
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #135 on: October 01, 2010, 11:09:02 PM »
Dont get it ???
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GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #136 on: October 02, 2010, 08:43:05 AM »
Dont get it ???

Apparently in 1872, the Arabs were a bunch of goat f*ckers...  ;D

Then later, in 1873, the British settled for ugly women, and screwed them with goat parts on their "bangers"... ;)

GT
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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

IRRebel

  • Karma: +16/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #137 on: October 03, 2010, 06:40:29 PM »
Apparently in 1872, the Arabs were a bunch of goat f*ckers...  ;D

Then later, in 1873, the British settled for ugly women, and screwed them with goat parts on their "bangers"... ;)

GT

LOL! Ain't it so though? I mean, the cream of the crop from the British are, what, Kiera Knightley and Elizabeth Hurley? I see more than that 10 times over just those two in a few hours around town here, Vegas or in SoCal..............  ;D

But yeah, were I an Arab, I'd take my chances with the goat. At least you can see it's face.............................

Ray
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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #138 on: October 03, 2010, 06:49:48 PM »
Thanks Ray!

I needed to update my siggy anyways!   :thumbup: You're alright man... ;D

GT
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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

IRRebel

  • Karma: +16/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #139 on: October 03, 2010, 06:53:45 PM »
Thanks Ray!

I needed to update my siggy anyways!   :thumbup: You're alright man... ;D

GT

Gee......thanks.........I think...........

Ray
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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

GlassCutter

  • Karma: +31/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #140 on: October 13, 2010, 10:39:33 PM »
Be advised:  GlassCutter IS NOT A RACIST !     The joke just struck me as funny.   Don't scroll down if you are easily offended OK?









Seriously, don't go any further is you are racially sensitive.                     You've been warned !      Are we clear?















 

THE GOLF ROBOT

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"  The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
  • Boat #1: 1973  Wriedt Montara 23
  • Boat #2: 1978 Spectra 20 460/Berkley
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Also, I will kiss bare male ass in the middle of the Vegas Strip  . . .  I will post pics if I need to.  --  IRRebel 2013

"Go ahead Rivertard does it.  Take a video though."

"If you did it in a dodge it would have shifted perfectly ran a thousand miles per hour and got optimum fuel mileage!"  Nordie  2012

SuperJet

  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #141 on: October 13, 2010, 10:56:26 PM »
Be advised:  GlassCutter IS NOT A RACIST !     The joke just struck me as funny.   Don't scroll down if you are easily offended OK?









Seriously, don't go any further is you are racially sensitive.                     You've been warned !      Are we clear?















 

THE GOLF ROBOT

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"  The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."


now that right there is some funny chit
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Once I got it on the water and under power, it was amazing!

76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #142 on: October 14, 2010, 06:55:16 AM »
Funny chit for sure  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #143 on: October 18, 2010, 04:57:22 PM »
Let's face it......After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F  :beer:
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #144 on: November 02, 2010, 08:52:30 PM »
This babe goes to her Dentist....sits down, takes off her dress, drops her panties, and spreads wide open for the Dentist...The Dentist tells her that
he is not a Gynecologist, and she replies "I know"... My boyfriend just wants his teeth back..... :sly:
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enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #145 on: November 07, 2010, 12:33:50 PM »
 ???
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german1

  • Karma: +0/-1
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #146 on: November 14, 2010, 07:01:56 PM »
 ;D
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   WET FARTS

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #147 on: November 14, 2010, 11:27:41 PM »
I thoght it was a good visual anyway :-\
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Howard19

  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #148 on: December 02, 2010, 06:54:19 AM »
I found this on C/L  I choked  :D



i am a single mom and dont recieve child support from either one of my babys daddies, all of them flee back to Mexico whenever they are caught except for juan who crashes at my place since he got out of jail. My children need their laptop computers updated but they must have spaish as the language because i want him to be emerced in the language of their beautiful culture.
All of my kids need new cell phone and ipods because the other ones are a year old. please help us because we can hardly make the car payments on my escalade
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Your Mom

  • Karma: +20/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #149 on: December 02, 2010, 08:19:07 AM »
I found this on C/L  I choked  :D



i am a single mom and dont recieve child support from either one of my babys daddies, all of them flee back to Mexico whenever they are caught except for juan who crashes at my place since he got out of jail. My children need their laptop computers updated but they must have spaish as the language because i want him to be emerced in the language of their beautiful culture.
All of my kids need new cell phone and ipods because the other ones are a year old. please help us because we can hardly make the car payments on my escalade
lol...
How many parasites will it take to bring down america.....

 


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