TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES
�
Fourth Place:�

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' Laughing Laughing Laughing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.' Shocked Shocked Shocked
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal...

 
I'm in tears !!! lol

Gotta Luv those IRISH !!!!
 
>An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
>ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

>'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

>'Not a chance ', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

>'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
>It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't
>even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
>know how things went.

>It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
>directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed,

>"Oh, faith and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

>'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

>'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
>effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a
>twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
>one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
>ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then a nd there
>passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you,
>an absolute nightmare!'

>'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
>your husband provided wasn't good?'

>'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin
>here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Sex on Mars


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,! how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long  and just a quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?''Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!
''No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.''No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?''I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?''It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

HA that is great.

The Beav

If it flies,floats, or fucks rent it. its cheaper

A buddy just sent me this...



A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.  Feeling somewhat hungry, he sits down and looks over the menu.

~ Roasted Tourist:  $5
~ Broiled Missionary:  $10.00
~ Fried Explorer: $15.00
~ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians? '

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'