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GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Off to Vegas
« Reply #75 on: April 22, 2010, 08:26:21 PM »

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Need Samples
« Reply #76 on: April 22, 2010, 08:38:28 PM »
Need Samples



An deaf man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells him, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The man, not able to read the doctors lips, signs to his wife "what did he say?"

His wife signs back while saying out loud "he needs your undershorts!"... :P


GT
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

Sanger Pete

  • Karma: +3/-0
Blonde joke
« Reply #77 on: April 22, 2010, 09:46:39 PM »
Another Blonde joke?
So this beautiful red head drives up to the sheep ranch in her Mercedes, jumps out, and says to the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have on this ranch, will you let me have one?" The shepherd, figuring there was no way she could ever count the sheep, says, "Yeh, give it a try." The red head closes her eyes and after a moment says "532". The shepherd, amazed that she could guess the exact number, says, "you win--go ahead and pick out one sheep." The lady walks up the hill and after a few minutes says, "I'll take this one", picks it up, and heads for the car. The shepherd looks up, smiles, and says, "lady, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, would you put down my dog?"
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GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #78 on: April 22, 2010, 10:18:44 PM »
LMAO, My wife is as blonde as can be, I got a million blonde jokes  ;D


There was a beautiful blond driving her convertible down the highway at a high rate of speed, she is always getting tickets....Up behind her pulls a CHP motorcycle and hits the lights....She pulls over, the officer notices the sexy blonde and adjusts himself pulling at the crotch of his pants, the blonde notices this in her rear view mirror and say's "damn, not another breathalyzer test"....

 ::)


A redhead a brunette and a blonde are out having drinks, the redhead starts talking about how far the world has come and mentions some of the greatest inventions of all time....She says the personal computer and the internet have to be one of the greatest accomplishments of all humanity...The brunette quickly agrees but says the automobile has to have really changed the way we look at travel and has made the world much smaller...The blonde pipes in and says without question, the Thermos bottle has got to be one of the greatest inventions of all time...The other two women look at each other and have this puzzled looks on their faces. "The Thermos bottle?, it keeps things warm, it keeps things cold, whats the big deal?" The blonde answers "yeah, but how does it know??".. :D
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #79 on: April 23, 2010, 09:26:26 PM »
A blonde is on a plane headed toward Toronto. During the flight she decides to get up from her coach seat and sits in first class. The stewardess approaches and says " I'm sorry maam but these seats are reserved for first class patrons, you'll have to return to your seat" ..the blonde simply says, "I'm blonde , I'm beautiful, and Im headed to Toronto".

The stewardess tells the co-pilot. The co-pilot approaches the woman and says," Maam, this section is for first class only. Please go back your seat now" The blonde simply says," I'm blonde, Im beautiful, and I'm headed to Toronto".

Finally the head pilot tells the co-pilot and stewardess. "My wife is a blonde, I speak their language, I'll handle this."

The pilot whispers something in the blondes ear, and she says.."oh my God, I'm sorry and thank you!"

The co-pilot and stewardess ask what did he tell this woman to change her mind???

The pilot said...'"I just told her first class isn't going to Toronto   :sly: !!!"




GT
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

cakemoto

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #80 on: April 23, 2010, 09:50:36 PM »
thats good :thumbup:
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It's not that life is too short.......It's just that your dead for so long

Willow Wog

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #81 on: April 27, 2010, 07:23:02 PM »
I got this one today via text message.....

After an exciting hot, nice 69 with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that 2 liters of listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 5 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said 'Man did you have 2 do 69 before u came here?'. Paul said ' does my breath smell like pussy?. The dentist replied ' No ur forehead smells like Shit!..
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Coors light dreaming on a Keystone budget...

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #82 on: April 27, 2010, 08:32:51 PM »
Keeper... :thumbup:  LMAO
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #83 on: April 28, 2010, 07:57:21 AM »
That was good :thumbup: :thumbup:
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

GlassCutter

  • Karma: +31/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #84 on: April 28, 2010, 10:09:12 AM »
The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.  After an hour, the man  calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive.  There were no discounts and the price was  still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye.  Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date          back into the early 1800's.  But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'
'Really,' she said. 'I have family in Billings.'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'         
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
                    1. Death
                    2. Taxes
                    3. Being screwed by a lawyer 
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Also, I will kiss bare male ass in the middle of the Vegas Strip  . . .  I will post pics if I need to.  --  IRRebel 2013

"Go ahead Rivertard does it.  Take a video though."

"If you did it in a dodge it would have shifted perfectly ran a thousand miles per hour and got optimum fuel mileage!"  Nordie  2012

Willow Wog

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #85 on: April 28, 2010, 07:04:27 PM »
Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah Winfrey were flying on a private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy. Michelle added, "In that case, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make 100 people very happy. Hearing the exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there... I could throw 3 n******  out of the window and make 56 million people very happy!
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GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"
« Reply #86 on: April 28, 2010, 07:22:20 PM »
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...



 This is a hoot .... sad, because it is TRUE ..... but a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following  conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!


GT
  • Boat #1: 1992 Carrera 20.5 Elite (I/O bitches)
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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #87 on: April 28, 2010, 07:34:45 PM »
No speakie english :o...remember to dial  1 for englash ::)
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76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #88 on: May 03, 2010, 11:33:00 AM »
The Lone ranger and Tonto went camping on the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky, what you see?" The lone ranger replies,"I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me ther are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be aproximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you Tonto?

You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent!     ;D ;D ;D
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

IRRebel

  • Karma: +16/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #89 on: May 04, 2010, 12:34:29 AM »
LMAO! THAT is classic!!!

Ray
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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

farmergord

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #90 on: May 04, 2010, 05:53:20 PM »
I hope its alright for a Canadian to make fun of your President  ;D
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Im not a nag Im a motivational speaker

farmergord

  • Karma: +6/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #91 on: May 04, 2010, 08:19:04 PM »
I dont know why people in Canada keep sending me this stuff :screwy:










I90 will be closed tomorrow they are moving a 200 ton lump of coal to mount Rushmore to become the face of president Obama
« Last Edit: May 04, 2010, 08:21:46 PM by farmergord »
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honda1

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #92 on: May 04, 2010, 08:23:41 PM »
Gordy have all the fun at his exspence you want we the people are sick of his sh-t ;D :banghead:
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76NORDIC

  • Karma: +23/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #93 on: May 04, 2010, 08:56:10 PM »
Gordy have all the fun at his exspence you want we the people are sick of his sh-t ;D :banghead:
   X10
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The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.....Einstein

I refuse to call people an ass anymore. It insults hard working donkeys worldwide!

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #94 on: May 04, 2010, 09:37:11 PM »
LMAO! THAT is classic!!!

Ray

Just to add..."Tonto" in latin means ....'Idiot"......hmmm.
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IRRebel

  • Karma: +16/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #95 on: May 04, 2010, 09:44:46 PM »
I dont know why people in Canada keep sending me this stuff :screwy:

Quite alright Gordy. We have made fun of Celine Dion and Bryan Adams for years, so it's just you guys' turn......... ;D

Ray










I90 will be closed tomorrow they are moving a 200 ton lump of coal to mount Rushmore to become the face of president Obama
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"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting 'Holy Shit what a ride!"---Crewcheif22 AKA Keith

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #96 on: May 04, 2010, 09:46:22 PM »
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car in the parking lot.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in.
The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just banging my wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your flashlight on her!"

 ;D
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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #97 on: May 04, 2010, 09:48:02 PM »
I hope its alright for a Canadian to make fun of your President  ;D


Make fun of a fool, where's the challenge?  ;D

GT
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If i get some free time tonight at work, ill play with it and post it for everyone to see.

Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

enginedoctor

  • Karma: +7/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #98 on: May 04, 2010, 10:03:24 PM »
hmmm. ::)  Gotta think :-\
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GT Jets

  • Karma: +192/-0
Re: Quick jokes
« Reply #99 on: May 04, 2010, 10:05:42 PM »
hmmm. ::)  Gotta think :-\

Here is a dumbass joke so you don't have to think to hard... ;D

Bob, sorry in advanced... :screwy:   ;D


A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

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Time to man up and yank it John!  :banghead:
Ray

 


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