Good one  Honda 

Cardiologist funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
 
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist. 
 
The proctologist fainted

Cardiologist funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
 
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist. 
 
The proctologist fainted

The Ol"lady Loved this one, The guy Fairy Tale, Not so Much, But we all knew she wouldent..        Roy

 On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service J
 

 

 

A blonde calling her mom........

Hi mom, how are you?

Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the ACE hardware store.

Ya we were, but I got arrested, and they letme make one phone call.

What happened?

Oh I punched this African-American woman in the head.

What on earth~~ why did you do that ?

Well it wasnt my fault, Dad told me to find a Black & Decker !!   

 

   Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates .  He is very
excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to meet the
Prophet Mohammed.  Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven , Barack meets
a man with a beard.   

 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.


   'No, my son.  I am Peter.  Mohammed is higher up.'

 Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.  Delighted
that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in
great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he
meets another bearded man.   

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'


   'No, I am Moses.  Mohammed is higher still.'


   Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet
again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with
a beard.   

 Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'


   'No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohammed higher up.'


   Mohammed higher than Jesus!  Man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

 Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a
beard and repeats his question:  'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is,
by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.


   'No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God . But you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?

        ''Yes!  Please, my Lord.'


God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out:  'Yo!  Mohammed!
Two coffees!'

This is a story about a 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

  A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

  Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

  At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

  When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

  "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

  The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Heee hee

Didn't see that one coming...

GT

 
Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in  Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye.  He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..


And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try." 

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of

$500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" 

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. 

Do you see that casino just across the street? 

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job

that's worth every cent of $1,500." 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off

the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" 

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of  Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?" 

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

ouch

LMAO!!!! 

Ray