BOB & THE BLONDE:

 
 
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
 
 
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

 


 
 
The blonde looked at Bob  and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
 
 
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
 
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
 
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


 
 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
 
 
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


 
 
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
 
 
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
 Bob took the money.

A drunk walks aout of the bar stumbling with his keys in his hand.
A cop approaches and says can I help you sir?
The drunk says yeeesssss.. sssomebody sstole my car.
The cop says where was your car the last time you saw it?
The drunk says it wasss at the end of thisss key.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the mans johnson hanging out of his pants.
The cop asks the man..are you aware you are exposing yourself?
The drunk looks down at his crotch....and without missing a beat he blurts out
Holy shit! ..  My girl friend is gone too.

LMAO.....bravo, bravo

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a
fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
     

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side.
 

 

 

found some humor in this lol......

Dogs  Chat At The Vet

 


Three   dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when  they  struck up a conversation.

 
The  Black Labrador turned to the  yellow Labrador and said,

"So  why are you here ?"

The   yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the  sofa, the  curtains, the cat, the  kids.

But   the final straw was last night when I pissed  in the  middle of my owner's bed."

The   black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to  do?"

"Gonna   cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They  reckon it'll  calm me down."

The  Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you  here?"

The   Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up  flowers  and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When  I'm inside, I dig up  the carpets. But   I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole  in  my owners' couch."

"So   what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab  inquired.

"Looks   like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab  said.

The   Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are  you  here?"

"I'm   a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything.  I'll hump the  cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts,  whatever.  I want to  hump everything I see.   Yesterday  my owner had just got out of the shower and  was bending down to dry  her toes, and I just couldn't  help myself. I hopped on her back  and started hammering  away."

The   Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,  "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The   Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my  nails  clipped!"

An atheist was hiking in the woods.  Suddenly a bear charged, knocked him to the ground, and held him in place with both paws on his chest.

"God save me!" the atheist cried, terrified.

A brilliant shaft of light illuminated the scene, and a mighty voice came out of the sky.

"You've denied my existence all these years. Now I'm supposed to believe you're a Christian?"

The atheist stammered, "You're right. I'm being a hypocrite. But perhaps you could turn the bear into a Christian."

"It is done!"  the voice boomed.

The bear lifted his two paws from the atheist's chest. He put them together and prayed, "For that which I am about to eat, I thank thee, O Lord.   Amen."

recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.
 
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she
could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if
I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered,
 'No, this is my first time.'
 
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
 it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and
secure.
 
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around
the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she
said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
 
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
 'Do these excite you?' She asked.   
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
 
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it
on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said,  'We  don't have much  time..'
 
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
 
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'
she asked.
 
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.......

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," says the boy.

"Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

I apologize in advanced, my wife works at a hospital....


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge." said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually, the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.



The moral of the story? 

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge......Just an asshole. 

GT