Quick jokes

« **Reply #175 on:** June 18, 2011, 10:03:46 PM »

This is a true story, but still funny as hell...

When my daughter was about three, I remodeled the kitchen in our house...I had all the drawers and doors off the cabinets and being replaced with new (I know Bob, I cheated

)

Anyways, my daughter comes out one Saturday morning all rumpled and wanted some breakfast, so she grabs a bowl from the counter to get some cereal, walks over to where the drawer holding the flatware would be and says "Hey....Where are all the fork and spoons", remember that she is three and did not say it very clearly, add to that she had just woke up...

Guess what it sounded like she said.

All I can say is that I thought my wife was going to kick my ass....

So now, anytime we need silverware or anything like that it's, "where are all the fork and spoons!"....Still funny and my daughter is now 17.

GT

« **Reply #176 on:** June 19, 2011, 07:22:45 AM »

Kinda hard to blame THAT on the dog huh?

« **Reply #177 on:** June 19, 2011, 12:07:33 PM »

--- .WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

« **Reply #178 on:** June 23, 2011, 07:57:00 AM »

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me"!

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the patient says. "I'm fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra".

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth".

« **Reply #179 on:** June 24, 2011, 07:02:48 PM »

saw this on a back window of a pickup truck at wal-mart. thought it was funny.

« **Reply #180 on:** June 25, 2011, 08:13:49 AM »

Quote from: Nixonnow on June 24, 2011, 07:02:48 PM

saw this on a back window of a pickup truck at wal-mart. thought it was funny.

Saw one the other day, Damn near wrecked the truck getting my phone out and still missed getting a pic of it, but it said "I wish my Girlfriend was as dirty as my truck"

Ray

« **Reply #181 on:** July 01, 2011, 12:01:32 AM »

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree butt naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day is it cupcake ...."

« **Reply #182 on:** July 08, 2011, 10:05:19 AM »

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home

« **Reply #183 on:** July 08, 2011, 12:10:29 PM »

LMAO, good one Gord

« **Reply #184 on:** July 14, 2011, 11:46:19 AM »

Congress has announced they intend to make it more diffacult to claim Unemployment Benefits. Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in english!

« **Reply #185 on:** July 20, 2011, 11:09:49 AM »

The father shark takes his son out on a hunting trip. They come across some survivors paddling around after their boat sank.

"Dad, look, swimmers, can we eat them?"

"Yes son, but there is a proceedure we have to follow before we eat them. First we circle around them three times with half our fin sticking out of the water. Next we circle them the other way closer in with our whole fin out of the water. Finally we swim straight at them, turning at the last second, and it works better if we bump them with a fin while turning".

So the sharks circle them, and circle them, and bump them.

"Now Dad? Can we eat them now?". "Yes son, they're ready now!".

So, they eat them all up. As the sharks are swimming away "Dad, why did we do all the circling and bumping?".

"Well son, they just taste better when they're not full of shit!".

« **Reply #186 on:** August 02, 2011, 11:21:54 AM »

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,

and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as

Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the

Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

« **Reply #187 on:** August 12, 2011, 01:33:45 PM »

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,'replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"BOB, wake up! You Shit in the bed!"

« **Reply #188 on:** August 12, 2011, 01:46:18 PM »

Life is all about ass. Your either married to an ASS or divorced from an ASS or trying to forget an ASS. You're either working your ass off, sweating your ass off, laughing your ass off, kicking ass, kissing ass, spanking ass, hauling ass, wiping ass, busting ass or trying to get a piece of ass! Or, you ARE an ass. If you agree with this....

« **Reply #189 on:** August 13, 2011, 10:04:20 AM »

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Georgia . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted a lone farmer plowing the field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?". "Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't.... But you know how he lies."

« **Reply #190 on:** September 14, 2011, 08:52:08 AM »

A Police STOP at 1AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

« **Reply #191 on:** September 14, 2011, 11:53:27 AM »

GC, short and sweet and funny as hell

« **Reply #192 on:** September 14, 2011, 12:47:59 PM »

theres just one prob with that joke . its true!!!!!

« **Reply #193 on:** September 27, 2011, 03:02:18 AM »

An illegal emigrant, a muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar and the bar tender goes "what can I get you tonight Mr. President?"

Sent from my Droid using Tapatalk

« **Reply #194 on:** September 27, 2011, 09:35:26 AM »

Fuck yeah!!!! I love that dan

« **Reply #195 on:** September 27, 2011, 10:14:26 AM »

Not really a joke, but yeah... Saw this on the way to work today.

Sent while on the run, or sitting at work bored

« **Reply #196 on:** September 27, 2011, 03:05:57 PM »

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage

holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!

« **Reply #197 on:** September 27, 2011, 07:43:19 PM »

Sweet

« **Reply #198 on:** October 08, 2011, 10:37:40 PM »

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills", the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,"he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention."

« **Reply #199 on:** October 19, 2011, 07:33:59 PM »

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down..10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

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